Under construction...

I have decided to blog about my little family's journey to eternity. We have finally begun our temple classes as of today, and I have been more anxious than ever to finally reach that chapter in my life. I want to keep record daily of my understanding about the temple. Although I can only go to an extent when talking about this, I mainly want to see how my testimony and knowledge has grown as we progress throughout this process.

Our bishop told us last week about temple classes starting this Sunday. We were beyond excited to hear the good news. Finally, we were able to make progress, and I think that's what we were more focused on. Just......progressing. But did we know what we were progressing to? I got home after church, and started thinking about what I was taught when I was young. The teachings of the blessings that are held inside the temple. Being sealed for all time and eternity, what did that mean? To me, it meant what I was taught it meant. Being able to see my family in the after life. The generations before me have all been sealed. i had the sense of security. I was raised knowing who i was sealed to. who i would see in the after life. it wasn't a big deal to me. To my husband- beyond different. You see, although my husband is a firm member, he has not had the chance to be sealed to anyone in the temple. So to him, it was more of the feeling of comfort. To know for sure that no matter what happens between our family, our love is everlasting. Eternal. I couldn't really understand how he felt until he made me look at it in the sense of our marriage as of now. We are just married lawfully. 'Til death do us part.' Who will our son see in the after life. We wouldn't be able to be the family that we are here on earth.

Finally coming to the understanding of why we want to progress, it hit me that although we were anxious, it seemed more like i was rushing the blessing to hurry and happen, forgetting the fact that the covenant we make with god is forever, not just something you do because you feel obligated to. Or because you have to. My heart ached. I can't believe how prideful I was. Was I doing it all for show? I'm not quite sure. All I know was, at the time, I had to because everyone else did. I just wanted to feel how everyone else felt, when in all reality, I should've changed my mindset to I'm doing it because I want to. Because I know it's best for me, my husband, and my son.

I have never prayed so much in my entire life. I lost sleep just thinking of ways to humble myself. It hit thanksgiving, and we were able to spend it with both of our families. As I sat and enjoyed the company of the ones we love most, I felt peace. My heart was filled with gratitude. For them being a big part of our lives, and the unconditional love and support. Being surrounded by them made it feel like heaven on earth. I wanted to feel that always, and I knew what I had to do to get there.


Temple class was great. To be in a class with people who are also striving to become Christ-like is such a humble experience. The fact we are all in there helping each other to progress in the teachings is the best part of it all. It was good to hear why a new convert wanted to be sealed. They were puzzled as to why people would come out of the temple so happy. Curious as to what goes on inside. They are determined to be just as happy.

I'm thankful my journey has started out the way it has. "Peace be the journey."

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year...

Thanksgiving seems to have a deeper meaning year after year. My list of things to be thankful for has expanded, and we have so many new family members to share this holiday with. As I over look the year, we have lost some family members, but also gained some. We have experienced many things, and we have succeeded in numerous things also. As a family, we have watched our nieces and nephews grow, and we have prepared another missionary to serve for two years. We have managed to watch every single Kansas State game every Saturday, and also have our brother be sealed for all time and eternity with his family. We scream on the phone when we get calls from Sonya, but hate when we have to say goodbye after a long talk. We have cried, laughed, fought, and continue to enjoy each others company. We have enjoyed missionary letters from Idaho. We have pulled our hair out over trying to find a wife for our brother in Arizona. We have sat in the cold to cheer for our number 56 from Juan Diego High School, and our number 28 from East High School. We have gained weight, loss weight, and then gained weight again. We FaceTime daily, and make Nutella doughnuts often. We get jealous when Neli takes Lati out to eat, and laugh whenever we gain up on each other on social networks. We miss baba daily, but loooove seeing her namesake with a constant smile. We cherish our moments with our grandparents, and are beyond thankful to have more than one mother and father figure in our lives. We are more than just first cousins, we are brother and sisters. We are more than just Grandkids, we are Lutui's, we are Bloomfields, we are Tukuafu's, we are Niu's, we are Nonu's, we are Peni's, we are Toloke's, we are Fisitalia's. although some are miles away, our hearts still connect as one. Although we have faced challenges, we have managed to conquer them all. We truly understand the meaning of the plan of salvation, and continue to be thankful to be raised in this gospel. We are a dysfunctional, loving, loyal family. Xo.

The mother Hormones..

So what I believe is that after being pregnant, your body has changed, MEANING...your hormones never go back the same, you're fat, annnnnnnnnd you're fat. Unless your one of those lucky bizznatches who stay skinny forever, and if you are just know I secretly flip you off whenever you're looking away! Haha-

Anyway- my whole point of this blog is basically to let you know how annoyed I get of my husband. He can crack a joke that isn't funny, and I'll get mad.....Or he can ask if I wanted the last slice of pizza, and I'll cry because only the fat person wants the last slice of pizza. I'll tell him who my celeb crush is, and when I ask for his, and he says Megan Fox, I throw the pillow and blanket on the floor, and ask him if he still thinks she's hot. I know, I know, most times I do bring it on to myself, but I guess because we're always together, he just annoys me! Lol, I figured that's normal in every marriage. The true ingredient to love is pure annoyingness! The one you can't stand the most, is the one you can't live without!

So, he may grind the heck outta my gears, but he's still my favorite person to be around, and mad at. All because I know he can take it. I love my man, and I know he loves his super psycho wife :)

Between the lines of Twilight...

Who reads the saga, watches all the movies, and then decides to blog about it all at 3 O clock in the AM?? This girl right here! Lol, I guess I am that crazy for Jacob! Haha, all in all from the author to the movie, this has had a bigger impact on me then you'd think.

Just like every other girl, they want to find that Jacob or Edward. That man who has everything a girl could ever want. True love. For me, the books and the movie( which, if you haven't realized yet, I am talking about twilight.) told something much deeper then that, something that what most people don't realize is not just in a movie, but something I truly believe in because of my gospel teachings. This last movie made me realize so many blessings we already had bestowed on this earth. From Bella and Edward falling in love, to Edward leaving her, and then coming back and asking her to marry him and live forever, to getting married and having a half human half immortal child, and being told that she must die, but she saves them all. Everything I just wrote had gospel teachings. Edward loved Bella so much, he left her because he didn't want to hurt her. There are missionaries out there who are serving two years, while some missionary girlfriends wait patiently for them to return because they know how much that man is worth. Edward returns and ask for Bella to marry him and become immortal, being able to live forever with him. Our gospel teaches us about temple marriage, and how if we are sealed, it will be for all time and eternity...forever. They have a half human half immortal daughter who becomes the peacemaker. She is the metaphor of Christ, and how he was half human, half immortal, and how he has saved us by coming to earth and being able to go through the plan of salvation so that we may live forever with our family.

All these thoughts were running thru my mind while watching part 2 of breaking dawn. It is amazing how so many people don't realize that the things that happen in this movie, are things that we believe in through this gospel...ITS REAL LIFE!! And although we may not be vampires or wolves, we are able to have everlasting love through sealing in the temple.

Watching this made me look at my own little family, and the trials that we are facing to get to being forever. It's amazing how big the adversary is to try to stop something from happening. To try to keep you from being with the ones you love most, forever. It's not so much that it took me to realize this all through one of the best chick flicks ever made, but more of the fact that its not just in a movie where you can be together forever, it's here on earth. Take advantage of something that has been here, conquer the challenge of being able to over come every obstacle. It's worth it all when you know how much your family means to you. It's worth fighting for.

Stephanie Meyer has to be one of the greatest authors to ever. Being able to mix a love story and gospel principles in....AND a Mormon billionaire!! Truly blessed!

If you haven't seen any or read any of her books, you're missing out on the greatest book ever written...after the bible and BOM, of course! Haha-

When Things go left unsaid...

I think it's safe to say that in the Tongan culture it is normal to be closer to your mothers side of the family. Just because of  the bond that your mother has with her sisters, and also her parents. We grew up always being around my mothers side. From sleepovers, to family time. As much as I loved being with my mothers family, we always had problems with the fact that my sisters and I didn't hold the Lutui last name. We are all so closed aged in this family, so our bond was different from others, meaning that whenever we were told we weren't Lutui's it hit us harder than they thought. I hated hearing that from the group of girls that I claimed to be my sisters.

It wasn't until high school where I began to isolate myself from my family. I guess it was because I use to thinking that my friends accepted me more than my family did. I began to claim my friends more than I would claim my family. The feeling of acceptance was so over used while my cousins and I grew up. Probably because we were all trying to find ourselves, after all, we were all teenage girls, lol. So I figured it would be a normal stage to go through.

High school passed, and my life after high school was great. I was closer to my cousins, and did everything with them. I felt so complete. These girls are my blood, and it felt good finally being closer to my family. I don't know if I felt this way towards them because we were all still single, and out having a great time. All I know is that I never wanted this feeling of bond to ever leave.

Being married and all of us having kids, or doing our own thing, it started to once again feel, somewhat, sorta segregated. We were the sisters daughters, and in the tongan way, you are to respect the brothers kids. So, to us, that meant tolerating every single thing from them, good or bad. If they had something to say to us, we felt obligated to sit and let them be right. We would do anything to try and just be on good terms with our Lutui side. We learned to agree to disagree.

But the more I feel that I let my thoughts and opinions go left unsaid, the more I begin to feel like I am being walked all over on, mistreated, and letting them get the best of me everyday. I cannot tolerate this no more. I thought that if i keep letting the past go, my cousins would understand that we don't care about the past, we want to be accepted. To be accepted by the group of girls who we grew up with.That's all we've ever wanted to feel. I am done trying to please people who are blinded by their own selfishness. I am done with people who have disrespected my mothers, and expect my sisters and I to pay for it by having us sit in your shadows. I know the people who I need in my life, and I know who will be there, and accept me regardless of what last name I hold, or who my mother is.

It's sad to know that we let our own family members bite the hand that has fed them, and for them to allow it all because blood is thicker than water. Yet, have those who will always play the victim, while the rest of us keep our thoughts unsaid. If we have accepted you for who you are, and how you act, why is it so hard for you to hear what we have to say, or accept the way we are? They say you have one of those in every family, but I will not sit and watch my family mistreat my OWN family. Never made sense, and will never make sense.

I usually don't blog about things like this, but i felt like my voice has been held in too long. What I wonder is even if i did say my thoughts, would it matter? Or would it have made the situation worse? This has showed who my true sisters are, and who will have me through thick or thin.

My little man.

Fa'amoana is almost 2 months, and he has grown tremendously. It still shocks me to look at babies and realize that at one time we started out so small. He grows everyday, and is beginning to look a lot more like his really hot mom! Haha-

After having baby, it took me a long while to get use to things. It's normal after pregnancy to have post partum depression. I wouldn't say I was super depressed, but it was hard for me to cope with everything. It was hard for me to wake up at night when he was crying, or needed a diaper change. I would get headaches when he would cry. Sometimes I would just sit there and just let him scream his lungs out. Times like this where I am thankful that I have the family support that I need. Being able to have my husband wake up and be able to take care of him, to my family and my in-laws being able to babysit when I need a break has really helped me get into the attitude that I needed to be in.

I wake up anxious to kiss him a million and one times when I hear him cry. When I am not with him, I miss him more than ever. When I am with him I feel more than complete, and feel so peaceful. If I look back at my life and
Know that although I haven't done many things right, keeping him was something I know for sure was beyond the right choice.

He is a good baby. Very mellow like his dad, and a good actor! He catches everyone's attention when we take him around to our families, and has influenced us especially to focus more on being good parents.

I can't express how amazing it is to be able to call something my very own. Neither can I explain how unique this bond and love is. It is seriously something you can only feel from the heart.

I want to be able to be a stay at home mom, and be able to enjoy every minute of watching him grow and learn, but i know that it will be better for me to work and make a better living for him. He is my motivation, and I will be not stop being a hard worker for my son.

He is my pride, joy, and forever my little Moana boy. Xo!

And Big Girls Don't Cry.

Catchy title, right? I hated that song. Thinking of big girls don't cry, I would seriously envision over-weight girls crying....Me, being one of the over weight girls! haha- i know i just blogged last night, but I was just going through some of my old blogs, and it made me realize how annoying of a TEENAGER I was. I could never keep a journal, because it was seriously an open book for everyone and there dogs to read. My whole family knew about who I liked, and who I was obsessive over.At the time, I thought they knew because I told them. Turns out they were reading my journal. So, I started blogging because I came to the conclusion that if my family loves knowing about my life, so would everyone else! haha. Looking back at my post from the two years before, I can honestly say that I never want a daughter. haha- just kidding. But, it's just funny reading them because I was flooded with memories, and the feel of being desperate for things, and obsessed with boys. EW! I'm glad I grew out of that annoying stage. Some never do. I had no kind of filter when blogging, and i'm pretty sure I had inherited that from my grandma Mele's side of the family. Yes, my grandma's family has no kind of filter when talking. You will hear there opinion even if you prefer not to! LOL!

Anyway, I thank blogging. It reminds me of how lost I was at one point it time. It also makes me look back at my past, and thank god that I am where I am today. Finding myself wasn't the easiest thing. It took alot of work, a lot of heart broken memories, and a lot of insecurities to finally accept. If I have learned anything from Fergie's song, it would be that the meaning Big Girls don't cry isn't about over weight girls like me crying...it's about finally realizing that becoming mature, means no more crying over things that aren't worth it. Moving forward. It took me to read my past blogs to realize that.

Have an amazing No shave November! Xo!

The perks of being a parent.

2:49AM and I'm flooded with subjects and thoughts that I want to talk about. What new test has god blessed me with today. Starring at my husband cuddling with our son both knocked out ugly, I can't help but just sit here with a huge smile on my face. From their simple movements, to annoying snore. This is what I use to dream about. This is now my reality. The simple pleasures of your child this early of age. The various reasons of why mothers forever see there sons as little mama's boys, and daughters as daddy's girls.

If my first born son has made my life tremendously greater, I can only imagine how my future children will bless our lives. I was a bit scared to have children after my little Moana boy, but the pain and wait was not so bad after all. I can go through it all over again and again and AGAIN!

I reflect back to my childhood, and the things my parents would do for us. After morning and night family prayer we would get in line and give a hug and kiss to both of them. I would always try and be first so I can hug them for a long time while everyone else waits behind me and yells at me to hurry...I was such an attention seeker! Lol, or another memory was if we brushed our teeth and flossed every night my dad would throw us in the air 3 times. Another favorite memory was my mom and dad teaching us tongan hymns, and making us do cow boy dances. We would sing and dance at every function! It use to be fun, until everyone started making fun of us! Or on Christmas when my mom would put "To: Line From: Sanda" and we would go to school spelling Santa, Sanda! Hmmm, no wonder why I was in ESL!

My parents would make the best out of the little money we had. We would take trips around utah. At times I thought my parents were billionaires because they Took us so many places but now realizing all the activities we did were things that had only a small or no fee-like hiking, or swimming at a lake, or taking a tour around the mountains, camping, etc. My mom always had fun games and activities for every holiday. Even if we didn't have toys, she did things that made us feel the holiday cheer.

That's one thing I learned from my parents, they never let us know we were struggling. They never told us, or showed it on there face. Growing up I felt like we had it all! And I'm thankful as an adult now, and being able to look back and see that.

That's some of the perks of being a parent. You can make your kids happy just by being happy. You don't have to buy there love, or buy them things to make them have fun. You create fun by making the best out of what you have.

I am beyond excited for this holiday season! It will be my first as a Peni, wife, and mother.

Xo from you're favorite family! Haha-

P.s- here's some pictures of whats been going on lately!