Under construction...

I have decided to blog about my little family's journey to eternity. We have finally begun our temple classes as of today, and I have been more anxious than ever to finally reach that chapter in my life. I want to keep record daily of my understanding about the temple. Although I can only go to an extent when talking about this, I mainly want to see how my testimony and knowledge has grown as we progress throughout this process.

Our bishop told us last week about temple classes starting this Sunday. We were beyond excited to hear the good news. Finally, we were able to make progress, and I think that's what we were more focused on. Just......progressing. But did we know what we were progressing to? I got home after church, and started thinking about what I was taught when I was young. The teachings of the blessings that are held inside the temple. Being sealed for all time and eternity, what did that mean? To me, it meant what I was taught it meant. Being able to see my family in the after life. The generations before me have all been sealed. i had the sense of security. I was raised knowing who i was sealed to. who i would see in the after life. it wasn't a big deal to me. To my husband- beyond different. You see, although my husband is a firm member, he has not had the chance to be sealed to anyone in the temple. So to him, it was more of the feeling of comfort. To know for sure that no matter what happens between our family, our love is everlasting. Eternal. I couldn't really understand how he felt until he made me look at it in the sense of our marriage as of now. We are just married lawfully. 'Til death do us part.' Who will our son see in the after life. We wouldn't be able to be the family that we are here on earth.

Finally coming to the understanding of why we want to progress, it hit me that although we were anxious, it seemed more like i was rushing the blessing to hurry and happen, forgetting the fact that the covenant we make with god is forever, not just something you do because you feel obligated to. Or because you have to. My heart ached. I can't believe how prideful I was. Was I doing it all for show? I'm not quite sure. All I know was, at the time, I had to because everyone else did. I just wanted to feel how everyone else felt, when in all reality, I should've changed my mindset to I'm doing it because I want to. Because I know it's best for me, my husband, and my son.

I have never prayed so much in my entire life. I lost sleep just thinking of ways to humble myself. It hit thanksgiving, and we were able to spend it with both of our families. As I sat and enjoyed the company of the ones we love most, I felt peace. My heart was filled with gratitude. For them being a big part of our lives, and the unconditional love and support. Being surrounded by them made it feel like heaven on earth. I wanted to feel that always, and I knew what I had to do to get there.


Temple class was great. To be in a class with people who are also striving to become Christ-like is such a humble experience. The fact we are all in there helping each other to progress in the teachings is the best part of it all. It was good to hear why a new convert wanted to be sealed. They were puzzled as to why people would come out of the temple so happy. Curious as to what goes on inside. They are determined to be just as happy.

I'm thankful my journey has started out the way it has. "Peace be the journey."

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year...

Thanksgiving seems to have a deeper meaning year after year. My list of things to be thankful for has expanded, and we have so many new family members to share this holiday with. As I over look the year, we have lost some family members, but also gained some. We have experienced many things, and we have succeeded in numerous things also. As a family, we have watched our nieces and nephews grow, and we have prepared another missionary to serve for two years. We have managed to watch every single Kansas State game every Saturday, and also have our brother be sealed for all time and eternity with his family. We scream on the phone when we get calls from Sonya, but hate when we have to say goodbye after a long talk. We have cried, laughed, fought, and continue to enjoy each others company. We have enjoyed missionary letters from Idaho. We have pulled our hair out over trying to find a wife for our brother in Arizona. We have sat in the cold to cheer for our number 56 from Juan Diego High School, and our number 28 from East High School. We have gained weight, loss weight, and then gained weight again. We FaceTime daily, and make Nutella doughnuts often. We get jealous when Neli takes Lati out to eat, and laugh whenever we gain up on each other on social networks. We miss baba daily, but loooove seeing her namesake with a constant smile. We cherish our moments with our grandparents, and are beyond thankful to have more than one mother and father figure in our lives. We are more than just first cousins, we are brother and sisters. We are more than just Grandkids, we are Lutui's, we are Bloomfields, we are Tukuafu's, we are Niu's, we are Nonu's, we are Peni's, we are Toloke's, we are Fisitalia's. although some are miles away, our hearts still connect as one. Although we have faced challenges, we have managed to conquer them all. We truly understand the meaning of the plan of salvation, and continue to be thankful to be raised in this gospel. We are a dysfunctional, loving, loyal family. Xo.

The mother Hormones..

So what I believe is that after being pregnant, your body has changed, MEANING...your hormones never go back the same, you're fat, annnnnnnnnd you're fat. Unless your one of those lucky bizznatches who stay skinny forever, and if you are just know I secretly flip you off whenever you're looking away! Haha-

Anyway- my whole point of this blog is basically to let you know how annoyed I get of my husband. He can crack a joke that isn't funny, and I'll get mad.....Or he can ask if I wanted the last slice of pizza, and I'll cry because only the fat person wants the last slice of pizza. I'll tell him who my celeb crush is, and when I ask for his, and he says Megan Fox, I throw the pillow and blanket on the floor, and ask him if he still thinks she's hot. I know, I know, most times I do bring it on to myself, but I guess because we're always together, he just annoys me! Lol, I figured that's normal in every marriage. The true ingredient to love is pure annoyingness! The one you can't stand the most, is the one you can't live without!

So, he may grind the heck outta my gears, but he's still my favorite person to be around, and mad at. All because I know he can take it. I love my man, and I know he loves his super psycho wife :)

Between the lines of Twilight...

Who reads the saga, watches all the movies, and then decides to blog about it all at 3 O clock in the AM?? This girl right here! Lol, I guess I am that crazy for Jacob! Haha, all in all from the author to the movie, this has had a bigger impact on me then you'd think.

Just like every other girl, they want to find that Jacob or Edward. That man who has everything a girl could ever want. True love. For me, the books and the movie( which, if you haven't realized yet, I am talking about twilight.) told something much deeper then that, something that what most people don't realize is not just in a movie, but something I truly believe in because of my gospel teachings. This last movie made me realize so many blessings we already had bestowed on this earth. From Bella and Edward falling in love, to Edward leaving her, and then coming back and asking her to marry him and live forever, to getting married and having a half human half immortal child, and being told that she must die, but she saves them all. Everything I just wrote had gospel teachings. Edward loved Bella so much, he left her because he didn't want to hurt her. There are missionaries out there who are serving two years, while some missionary girlfriends wait patiently for them to return because they know how much that man is worth. Edward returns and ask for Bella to marry him and become immortal, being able to live forever with him. Our gospel teaches us about temple marriage, and how if we are sealed, it will be for all time and eternity...forever. They have a half human half immortal daughter who becomes the peacemaker. She is the metaphor of Christ, and how he was half human, half immortal, and how he has saved us by coming to earth and being able to go through the plan of salvation so that we may live forever with our family.

All these thoughts were running thru my mind while watching part 2 of breaking dawn. It is amazing how so many people don't realize that the things that happen in this movie, are things that we believe in through this gospel...ITS REAL LIFE!! And although we may not be vampires or wolves, we are able to have everlasting love through sealing in the temple.

Watching this made me look at my own little family, and the trials that we are facing to get to being forever. It's amazing how big the adversary is to try to stop something from happening. To try to keep you from being with the ones you love most, forever. It's not so much that it took me to realize this all through one of the best chick flicks ever made, but more of the fact that its not just in a movie where you can be together forever, it's here on earth. Take advantage of something that has been here, conquer the challenge of being able to over come every obstacle. It's worth it all when you know how much your family means to you. It's worth fighting for.

Stephanie Meyer has to be one of the greatest authors to ever. Being able to mix a love story and gospel principles in....AND a Mormon billionaire!! Truly blessed!

If you haven't seen any or read any of her books, you're missing out on the greatest book ever written...after the bible and BOM, of course! Haha-

When Things go left unsaid...

I think it's safe to say that in the Tongan culture it is normal to be closer to your mothers side of the family. Just because of  the bond that your mother has with her sisters, and also her parents. We grew up always being around my mothers side. From sleepovers, to family time. As much as I loved being with my mothers family, we always had problems with the fact that my sisters and I didn't hold the Lutui last name. We are all so closed aged in this family, so our bond was different from others, meaning that whenever we were told we weren't Lutui's it hit us harder than they thought. I hated hearing that from the group of girls that I claimed to be my sisters.

It wasn't until high school where I began to isolate myself from my family. I guess it was because I use to thinking that my friends accepted me more than my family did. I began to claim my friends more than I would claim my family. The feeling of acceptance was so over used while my cousins and I grew up. Probably because we were all trying to find ourselves, after all, we were all teenage girls, lol. So I figured it would be a normal stage to go through.

High school passed, and my life after high school was great. I was closer to my cousins, and did everything with them. I felt so complete. These girls are my blood, and it felt good finally being closer to my family. I don't know if I felt this way towards them because we were all still single, and out having a great time. All I know is that I never wanted this feeling of bond to ever leave.

Being married and all of us having kids, or doing our own thing, it started to once again feel, somewhat, sorta segregated. We were the sisters daughters, and in the tongan way, you are to respect the brothers kids. So, to us, that meant tolerating every single thing from them, good or bad. If they had something to say to us, we felt obligated to sit and let them be right. We would do anything to try and just be on good terms with our Lutui side. We learned to agree to disagree.

But the more I feel that I let my thoughts and opinions go left unsaid, the more I begin to feel like I am being walked all over on, mistreated, and letting them get the best of me everyday. I cannot tolerate this no more. I thought that if i keep letting the past go, my cousins would understand that we don't care about the past, we want to be accepted. To be accepted by the group of girls who we grew up with.That's all we've ever wanted to feel. I am done trying to please people who are blinded by their own selfishness. I am done with people who have disrespected my mothers, and expect my sisters and I to pay for it by having us sit in your shadows. I know the people who I need in my life, and I know who will be there, and accept me regardless of what last name I hold, or who my mother is.

It's sad to know that we let our own family members bite the hand that has fed them, and for them to allow it all because blood is thicker than water. Yet, have those who will always play the victim, while the rest of us keep our thoughts unsaid. If we have accepted you for who you are, and how you act, why is it so hard for you to hear what we have to say, or accept the way we are? They say you have one of those in every family, but I will not sit and watch my family mistreat my OWN family. Never made sense, and will never make sense.

I usually don't blog about things like this, but i felt like my voice has been held in too long. What I wonder is even if i did say my thoughts, would it matter? Or would it have made the situation worse? This has showed who my true sisters are, and who will have me through thick or thin.

My little man.

Fa'amoana is almost 2 months, and he has grown tremendously. It still shocks me to look at babies and realize that at one time we started out so small. He grows everyday, and is beginning to look a lot more like his really hot mom! Haha-

After having baby, it took me a long while to get use to things. It's normal after pregnancy to have post partum depression. I wouldn't say I was super depressed, but it was hard for me to cope with everything. It was hard for me to wake up at night when he was crying, or needed a diaper change. I would get headaches when he would cry. Sometimes I would just sit there and just let him scream his lungs out. Times like this where I am thankful that I have the family support that I need. Being able to have my husband wake up and be able to take care of him, to my family and my in-laws being able to babysit when I need a break has really helped me get into the attitude that I needed to be in.

I wake up anxious to kiss him a million and one times when I hear him cry. When I am not with him, I miss him more than ever. When I am with him I feel more than complete, and feel so peaceful. If I look back at my life and
Know that although I haven't done many things right, keeping him was something I know for sure was beyond the right choice.

He is a good baby. Very mellow like his dad, and a good actor! He catches everyone's attention when we take him around to our families, and has influenced us especially to focus more on being good parents.

I can't express how amazing it is to be able to call something my very own. Neither can I explain how unique this bond and love is. It is seriously something you can only feel from the heart.

I want to be able to be a stay at home mom, and be able to enjoy every minute of watching him grow and learn, but i know that it will be better for me to work and make a better living for him. He is my motivation, and I will be not stop being a hard worker for my son.

He is my pride, joy, and forever my little Moana boy. Xo!

And Big Girls Don't Cry.

Catchy title, right? I hated that song. Thinking of big girls don't cry, I would seriously envision over-weight girls crying....Me, being one of the over weight girls! haha- i know i just blogged last night, but I was just going through some of my old blogs, and it made me realize how annoying of a TEENAGER I was. I could never keep a journal, because it was seriously an open book for everyone and there dogs to read. My whole family knew about who I liked, and who I was obsessive over.At the time, I thought they knew because I told them. Turns out they were reading my journal. So, I started blogging because I came to the conclusion that if my family loves knowing about my life, so would everyone else! haha. Looking back at my post from the two years before, I can honestly say that I never want a daughter. haha- just kidding. But, it's just funny reading them because I was flooded with memories, and the feel of being desperate for things, and obsessed with boys. EW! I'm glad I grew out of that annoying stage. Some never do. I had no kind of filter when blogging, and i'm pretty sure I had inherited that from my grandma Mele's side of the family. Yes, my grandma's family has no kind of filter when talking. You will hear there opinion even if you prefer not to! LOL!

Anyway, I thank blogging. It reminds me of how lost I was at one point it time. It also makes me look back at my past, and thank god that I am where I am today. Finding myself wasn't the easiest thing. It took alot of work, a lot of heart broken memories, and a lot of insecurities to finally accept. If I have learned anything from Fergie's song, it would be that the meaning Big Girls don't cry isn't about over weight girls like me crying...it's about finally realizing that becoming mature, means no more crying over things that aren't worth it. Moving forward. It took me to read my past blogs to realize that.

Have an amazing No shave November! Xo!

The perks of being a parent.

2:49AM and I'm flooded with subjects and thoughts that I want to talk about. What new test has god blessed me with today. Starring at my husband cuddling with our son both knocked out ugly, I can't help but just sit here with a huge smile on my face. From their simple movements, to annoying snore. This is what I use to dream about. This is now my reality. The simple pleasures of your child this early of age. The various reasons of why mothers forever see there sons as little mama's boys, and daughters as daddy's girls.

If my first born son has made my life tremendously greater, I can only imagine how my future children will bless our lives. I was a bit scared to have children after my little Moana boy, but the pain and wait was not so bad after all. I can go through it all over again and again and AGAIN!

I reflect back to my childhood, and the things my parents would do for us. After morning and night family prayer we would get in line and give a hug and kiss to both of them. I would always try and be first so I can hug them for a long time while everyone else waits behind me and yells at me to hurry...I was such an attention seeker! Lol, or another memory was if we brushed our teeth and flossed every night my dad would throw us in the air 3 times. Another favorite memory was my mom and dad teaching us tongan hymns, and making us do cow boy dances. We would sing and dance at every function! It use to be fun, until everyone started making fun of us! Or on Christmas when my mom would put "To: Line From: Sanda" and we would go to school spelling Santa, Sanda! Hmmm, no wonder why I was in ESL!

My parents would make the best out of the little money we had. We would take trips around utah. At times I thought my parents were billionaires because they Took us so many places but now realizing all the activities we did were things that had only a small or no fee-like hiking, or swimming at a lake, or taking a tour around the mountains, camping, etc. My mom always had fun games and activities for every holiday. Even if we didn't have toys, she did things that made us feel the holiday cheer.

That's one thing I learned from my parents, they never let us know we were struggling. They never told us, or showed it on there face. Growing up I felt like we had it all! And I'm thankful as an adult now, and being able to look back and see that.

That's some of the perks of being a parent. You can make your kids happy just by being happy. You don't have to buy there love, or buy them things to make them have fun. You create fun by making the best out of what you have.

I am beyond excited for this holiday season! It will be my first as a Peni, wife, and mother.

Xo from you're favorite family! Haha-

P.s- here's some pictures of whats been going on lately!

How to burn out the fire.

I am Line, and I have an anger management problem. It's nothing dramatic, to where I really need to seek help for...or so I hope, haha- but i'm such a hot head, it really doesn't take a person a lot to do to un-tame this lion.

BUT, that's not the point of this blog. Today I woke up, well....furious! *insert Australian accent* I was roaring like a lion, fighting like a tiger, stinging like a bee! haha- No. it's nothing new to make everything a big deal when your a wife. I mean if your husband is leaving the toilet seat up, all hell breaks lose. Or if your husband compliments a lady right after you just complimented her, you automatically assume he likes her! or that's probably just me! LOL! I guess, what I'm trying to say is that to be happy in a marriage, you have to be willing to be a great forgiver. You want to know what's even more weird...I learned that from men! Ew! Hahaha!

Anyway- my very sweet husband never fails to make me smile. Awesome guy, and will totally go beyond the limits to make me happy....even if that means not telling me that he spent the money we were suppose to use for our little Moana boy to get circumcised today. He just went on his merry way avoiding the fact that I told him since Friday to put some money aside for it. "Okay, I did! Don't worry about it!" Is what I always got from him. So what did I do? I was worried free! Long story short, he didn't, I got frustrated, wanted to go king-fu panda on him. You know, all those married symptoms you get when you know the situation could've been avoided if he just had TOLD you! Hahaha! I guess I was more angered at the fact that he didn't tell me because he knew I would react the way I am reacting! So he tries to soften my stubborn heart by saying...."you shouldn't be mad I didn't tell you, because I spent it on you!" Hahahahahahahahahahaha! I mean I'm laughing now, but when he said that I was like, this man WOULD try to make it seem like it's because of me that we couldn't do baby's stuff! Oh my that definitely made my whole entire year!

As pissed off as I was at the time, I took a breather and went on to Facebook (the greatest stress reliever, right?) I was going to message my friend about doing our family pictures, but then I came across a message that I got from someone who use to be a big deal to me at one time. It was a message asking for forgiveness. This person, at the time, was the last person I have expected any good from. I actually wanted him to jump off a bridge while I watch! LOL! Okay, never that- but that's how cold hearted i was towards him. Well, reading through the message, I thought about how hard it must have been to apologize, and ask for forgiveness. I mean why would he? After all that was said and done at the time? NOW you want to apologize? Pssshhht........okay, I did! I forgave him through all the PullSpit- and although we don't communicate at all (thank The Lord almighty! Lol) I am thankful I came across the message.

This whole thing with my husband and I could've been avoided. I didn't share this with you to make it seem like we have problems. I mean we do, who doesn't? I took this as a teaching skill. This, first of all, is nothing to be absolutely mad about all day. Money comes and goes. Second, although the situation could've been totally avoided, it wasn't- he knew what he could've done and immediately apologized. Why was I still trying to set fire to something that was already being put out....idk, I guess, because it was my man- I had to make him feel worse than the S word! Victory was finally mine! Hahahahaha! And third, as long as someone is apologizing for their actions, and being sincere about it, why still try to avoid forgiving? I guess it's just my good heart that allows me to forgive because the person who apologize is giving me the option too...Like that person who I thought had no kind of good in him, actually does. Sometimes I feel like people don't deserve my apology or forgiveness, but that to me shows how selfish I can be if I don't apologize, or forgive. I am willing to be the bigger person and look past things that others are also willing to look past.

It's not the easiest thing to say sorry, and to forgive. Mostly because we're scared of how the other person might react, or if they'll even accept it...or even if it's the right thing to do. I guess it's something we have to practice to make permanent. And by that I mean, humbling ourselves to achieve the greater blessing...to look outside of the box. And I'd have to say that being married has taught me the blessings of forgiveness, and how two great people become two great forgivers!

That was my manic Monday morning for y'all! Have a blessed Halloween week!xo!

"Forgetful Lucy."

Today I thought was going to be just like any other day where I would wake up, do my motherly duties, and then fall asleep by ten tonight. These past few weeks have been very hectic, and honestly, I haven't realized how much my husband and I have been too busy focusing on our son, we kind of...well, lets just say haven't really focused on each other. And just like everything that has happened these past few months, we expected it to become hectic when baby came.

Anyway, this morning I had a dentist appointment, and went with my sister. Usually i go with Travis, but he stayed to watch our son. We rushed to our appointment, just like how we rush everything else. Got in, sat in the chair, and got to watch 50 first dates. Yes, my dentist is that amazing to where you are able to lay back and watch movies while he's working on your teeth. I don't know if it's still the hormones kicking in, or just my heart, but 50 first dates reminded me of our apartment my husband and I recently moved out of. We watched that movie and nacho Libre all the time, and it wasn't so much about the meaning of the movie, but just the simple things like cuddling with him, or giving him random kisses during the movie....you get my drift, haha- I laid back in the chair in tears(but totally told the dentist i was crying because my tooth hurts..wise move right?lol) In my head I was seriously playing a montage of how my husband never failed to remind me how much he loves me. I mean, for crying out loud he walked all the way from west valley to Glendale just to be with me when I was mad. He comes and watches baby all night after work while I sleep....he cooks when I'm hungry, and never fails to tell me how much he loves me. If you know me, you know that I am beyond stubborn. I'll test the waters. And if you know my husband, he's humble and never puts himself before others.

In 50 first dates, which I know most of you have seen, Adam
Sandler calls her in a song "forgetful Lucy." She may forget what happened the day before, but he never gives up on making her fall in love with him everyday! I AM FORGETFUL LUCY!! I seriously need to be reminded of why I love my husband soooo much, and he has never stopped showing me his unconditional love. I can be rude, violent, aggressive, and most times.....A BRAT! Lol, and although he may not be good with words, he proves his feelings to me by his actions. Goes to show how actions do speak louder than words.

I know I always blog about love this, love that, all this love talk that is probably making you want to puke. BUT I got to give it up to the man who always keeps me loving him harder and harder day by day. Having kids can really change your whole relationship. Changes more than you think. I'm just thankful Travis is passionate enough to still be able to remind me how much he adores the heck out me. I know we haven't been together for a very long time, but the effort he puts in is beyond amazing- I know it's real. He proves it daily.

I guess what I'm trying to say is we get caught up in other things, we don't realize the little things that are really the simple pleasures of life. Of why things work out in the long run. At times we can be the "forgetful Lucy." But just as long as we're being shown effort through action, it is all that matters.

He continues to be my teacher. I love him for that. Thank you babe! Xo.

The Journey To Eternity.

My liddo Fa'amona bwoii is a heading into his fourth week this week. Wow, where has the time gone?! He still manages to have his ten toes and fingers, and SLOOOOOOWLY but surely growing hair on his head. I notice something new about him everyday, from his personality, to his physical appearance. He is all I ever want to talk about. I mean, i'm at my in-laws talking about how he throws up! Why would that even be a topic to consider talking about to your in-laws? I guess i'm just proud at the fact that I have a child. He is my EVERYTHING, and i'm the type of mother who is proud of her children, even if they're half bald.

Being married, and having a child at this age is probably the craziest thing someone my age could possibly do. From being unstable, to having moments where you're not able to do things you would've done if you were still single. They're definitely has been temptations, and it has become harder since the birth of our little one. But by the end of the day, my husband and I remember the blessings that will come in the after life. We constantly remind ourselves why where here, and regardless of the downfalls, how to stay focused on the right path. Since my marriage, I have learned so much about the doctrine, and notice how I have misinterpreted it in various ways. At this point, I thank the counseling of my father. To keep me focused on why marriage in the temple is a BIG DEAL. It's coming to the last days where women would rather not bare children, then to have them and not be sealed to them forever. It scares me as a mother. Now you have to understand why. we are brought here to return to our father in heaven. our knowledge is tested. our goal is to make it back to the celestial kingdom, and become like gods with our families.That could only happen thru sealing of the temple. once you're sealed, nothing could break that bond of forever.

I look to my son and become more desirous of the temple. I may have not done it the right way, but it doesn't stop me from trying to become right with god. I want and NEED to become right with God only because when I look at my little growing family, I see ever-lasting love. The adversity may face me with challenges, and trials daily, but because I know, and I was taught that a family can last forever, it is not something I look to as ever breaking my family apart.

I am thankful for the challenge of already starting a family at a young age, I have seen my husband and I blossom, and become more mature. What takes some a long time to understand, we have already understood. We have become more focused and in tune to what life is teaching us, and becoming more thoughtful and cautious to the hardships that we have, and will face. It is our turn to take part in what our parents and ancestors have sacrificed, and that is to become like gods in the Kingdom of glory. 

Worth the Waiting For

Fa'amoana Sipai Peni is finally here. 5 pounds 14 Oz, 18.5 inches, and more healthier than ever. I don't know what more to say. He was worth all the pain, the wait, and the time.

It's all pretty funny how he came to be. He is actually 2 weeks premature, which isn't too bad at all, comparing to the fact that he was suppose to come out earlier and stay in the NICU. I actually had my baby shower the night before I went into labor. so everything happen just on time. What makes this even more of a blessing is how my best friend and I had our sons on the same day. My husband has convinced himself that the full moon sparked the fuse of us having our kids the very next day. I just blame our intense walk home from the baby shower. My best friends and I tend to be little rebels, so when we're told not to do something, we're already half way done doing it. We walked home, and totally jinxed ourselves that we would deliever on the same day.

Contractions woke me up the next morning. We didn't have any of the hospital bags ready, and so since I was sure that I wasn't going to pop until the 9th of October, I became the rebel in me again and went to target( I need to stop being such a superhero.) Boy, did i regret that! AND to top it off, the contractions which I felt were getting worse (but figured it was normal) brought the beast out of me, so my husband and I were giving each other the silent treatment at target. I mean, he's walking around ignoring me, I'm in so much pain, but won't show because I want to win this fight....Marriage life-can't get any better than that. I eventually gave in because I wanted some pizza hut from the little mini store they have in Target. So I'm sitting stuffing my face, crying my eyes out because how we were ignoring each other at the store. After that whole scene, we reached home, I walked into the bathroom, and BOOM! My water broke!

On our way to the hospital, my husband and I were filled with various emotions. This was it, in just a couple of hours will be meeting our first born. Our excitement showed while we walked into the hospital. Everything we knew about parenting is finally getting put to the test.

Because I was getting a C-Section, everything was just a bit different from having our son natural. We were taken into the surgery room, where they numbed me, and sliced my stomach open( I know, totally TMI.) Travis being his first time, looked beyond disgusted, and felt bad for me. "You seriously can't feel ANY of this?!" He always asked. And I couldn't. I was too drugged up, or probably too full of excitement that pain didn't matter so much, I just want him OUT! Lol.

After ten minutes I heard his cry..........and that's when it hit. My son is here. That cry changed my whole entire perspective on life. Finally being able to see what I have held in my stomach was worth it all. That cry was a cry of peace, and new beginnings.

Here at home, and him being a week and two days old, my daily routines to sleeping habits have totally changed. Everything I think about and do is always based on him. From going places, to our future. He has not only become my top priority, but my motivation to become better, to live better, and to do better.

It is beyond crazy how your kids can motivate you to do things you thought you would never accomplish. How they're able to make you smile every morning.......how they're able to make a bad day a great one just by a simple hug, kiss, smile....Since I have had my son, I have woken up every morning excited to give him that tender, love, and care. Nothing else matters anymore. Everyone is only an option.

I am thankful for the plan of salvation, and for the understanding that my family can be together, forever. Babies are the closest will ever be to heaven. And I am glad I got a peace of heaven.

Love this feeling of being a mother. Xo, Travis, line, and baby Fa'amoana :)

14 days and counting..

It has finally come down to the last two weeks before I check in to St. Marks hospital. I seriously wake up every morning hoping it will be Tuesday October 9th already. Finally getting to nourish and cherish a gift that came from God. The most precious thing from heaven. My husband and I constantly remind each other how excited we are.

Feeling love, being in love, and now creating love has been the greatest experience in my whole existence. All humans are prone to feelings, so we all know or have felt the feeling of it. That's why we crave it so much. A feeling so unique, it's no wonder why we take break up's, and heartache to another level.

I'm a fan of love, and blame my zodiac sign for that. I'm glad to be a sucker love....and chocolate....and nutella doughnuts.

xoxo :)

Memories, I LOVE 'em.

Before I go on with this new blog, I just want my mom and dad to know that i do appreciate what they wrote on the blog before this one. For being the greatest examples,and for believing in me, even when I have doubted myself. I couldn't ask for better parents, and grandparents to my unborn son. Ofa lahi atu <3<3

Tears, tears! Love them! haha! anyway, a quick, but very meaningful blog. And this one is going to be all about the man who holds my heart, my wallet, and my money-My sexy hott husband, Mr. Travis Aufotu Peni!!! (And the crowd goes wilddd!) Yes, I am going to be that psycho wife who remembers the dates of when he first popped the "will you go out with me?" question. I can still remember it. very, very, VERY vivid! detail, to detail! LOL! It was nothing special, because I was the one who really asked it and all, LOL! no, but really, this kid and words- he's just that type that he doesn't have to say much, and you get what he's trying to say.

I think what keeps me falling in and out of love with him are the memories we've had. Til this day, I still get goosebumps, and chills running thru my spine. Til this day, I still laugh out loud thinking of how crazy in love we were. Those memories remind me of why I'm beyond in love with him. We can talk for hours about the times when we were dating, we will laugh at every little detail, and cry at those moments when we thought it was over.....But we were just being dramatic love birds of course. All in all, these memories are the ones that keep me falling in love with him, and seriously are the small but simple things of why I'm so in love. All the reasons why I shouldn't let go, give up or even doubt what we have.

I never understood the meaning of love until it was shown by someone who was totally opposite of me. From cultures, to personalities. I can finally understand the phrase, " opposites attract." so different, but intentions the same in certain ways. I have the worst mood swings, and I thank god everyday for a man who is able to stick thru it day by day. NOT EASY, but worth it. 

I'm glad I came to this earth knowing that I spent the best-est times with my soulmate. I came into this world knowing that Love can be found, and I'm beyond thankful to know that when I leave this world, I found love, felt love, and created love. 

I meant it from the first time i said it, and I will forever mean every bit of it- I love you ;) 

Eternity is REAL.

Remembering that I am human, and have made mistakes, and bad choices, I think the biggest of all was taking for granted the blessings of the temple. I'm still in the learning curve of life...I thank God for being patience with me.  Stay tune for more of my life learning.

Ofa atu

Back at One.

When a child finally gets the ice cream that he has been dying for, dreaming of, craving and drooling over, FINALLY grabbing a hold of it, lashing his tongue out in excitement to taste the amazing flavor, only to have a bully come and snatch it from him. That whole moment of excitement, victory, and confidence just buried in hopelessness, and deprived from all happiness. (and yes, if you haven't notice this is a metaphor of how I am feeling at this very moment in time.Why must i always involve food in my blogs? I'm pregnant, food is the only thing keeping me from total depression, HAHAHAHA.)

What can I say, every time I blog, it's always about how we are slowly but surely making progress in life. Sometimes I feel like we have seriously gotten the worst of it, but most times I see them as another stepping stone. I guess the hardest part is when you have it all planned out, and then life hits, BOOOOOM! Back to step one. BUT....yes, BUT BUT BUT, I've come to realize that that is the beauty of life. Now although time and effort has been put into something that may not have worked out as planned, you can always suck it up, cry for an hour, and then wake up tomorrow moving forward. THE PAST, the teachings we learned and move on from. The times and things we went thru only to motivate and better ourselves, and our future.

I guess you can say as for my hot husband and I, we keep each other optimistic about things. Because although it seems like we have been thru it all, it's just the beginning. Time is of the essences, and so we must slowly take in what is thrown at us, evaluate, and continue to make progress. Let me also tell you that is the best part of marriage itself. You'll never go through life alone, and always have the best support, from the only person you really need it from. Who better than the man(or woman) that holds your heart, and knows it!

So, yes! I am beyond thankful to know that all that I am going thru, been thru, and will still go thru no matter what, are temporary things. It's funny how we can face reality, but deception is what we really are afraid of. What we don't realize is how reality can be more of the blessing, deception is what we go thru to get it.

Update on my unborn son:

He is kicking, and making mommy let one rip in all sorts of public places.( and it's seriously embarrassing. I hope none of you end up or had the experience of a gassy unborn LOL!) 32 weeks, and I feel like he is beyond healthy. He is, like I have mention countless times, a soldier! Making mommy proud. I am too excited, and so is my husband. Only a couple more weeks to knock down, and our son will finally enter the best part of the plan of salvation.

xoxo from the Peni's :)

Count your Blessings.

Bed rest has been depressing, yet, full of relaxation. Depressing because I just realized I have ADHD, so when i'm asked to sit still, it's seriously like asking a little fat kid to just stare at the chocolate cake, and not eat it. IMPOSSIBLE! But yet, very relaxing because Travis now has be the wife/husband thru the rest of the pregnancy....But that's nothing new to him, seeing as he's always been doing everything since we have been married........weh! LOL. Aside from it all, it has been a huge roller coaster for the two of us.

It has hit me, and hit me hard that i'm not expecting my first pregnancy the way every women out there has. When it comes to having your baby natural, healthy, and all of that. I expected it just to be like that. But when the unexpected hits, especially when it comes to your unborn's life being on the line, everything you do must be with caution.

I wasn't always feeling so doubtful, but when you have two of your best friends also being pregnant, and being just as excited because they both know for sure that everything will be fine, and your the third person only hoping, only wishing and praying that God keeps you and your unborn in good hands so you can feel that same emotion is the hardest thing to look past. I'm beyond thankful that the lord has blessed my best friends with the chance of keeping themselves healthy and stable to be ready for there child, but when it came to thinking of myself, I felt hopeless.

I guess the feeling of hopelessness came from the fact that i was always looking forward to the worst, because the best wasn't happening. I tried to face reality that my unborn child has a big chance of not making it. Keeping me down and out, I slowly started being negative about my whole pregnancy. Negative to the point where all I expected was for the doctor to let me know that my unborn wouldn't make it.

Drenching myself in self pity, it didn't occur to me of how selfish I was until my husband lifted my shirt up while I was sleeping, and started talking to my stomach. He always does that, but this time is was different.  "Don't worry son, as soon as you come out, we're ditching your mom and going out for ice berg everyday." He always joked around, but I just sat in tears. He put so much faith in our child. Yet the one thing that I needed to do was just have faith, and I lacked it so much.

It's amazing how God simply teaches us, and reminds us the basic necessities we need to live Christ like, and yet it's the simplest teachings we forget. To just understand faith, knowing that although you can not see it, it's there means so much more than before. To know that regardless of all the trials, he's there, and he's doing what he needs to do to, I just need to do my part, and have faith.

I never wanted a reason to be angry with God, and I'm beyond thankful that I never had a reason to be. I know that Ill accept whatever comes my way because through the simple teachings I've been taught. Trials are temporary, and are meant to go through to better ones life.

As for the baby, he is 30 weeks, and is kicking. Good to know he's still active and alive. I can't wait for this C-section, and beyond ready for it :):)

The value of pictures.

So I guess what I have recently realized, thanks to instagram, is how much value a picture has. From throwback Thursdays, I'm always posting up the best times in my life, and then it hit me. I have never seen a picture of my mom when she was pregnant. She only has baby pictures of us. Not one ultrasound, not one with her belly, it's completely weird. Like we weren't born from her womb!! Hahahaha, well since we're in a new generation, and cameras are more easy to get ahold of, I have decided to post pictures of my pregnancy, not only for future references, but the value they treasure. So enjoy :)

What a soul means to a mother.

My great grandmother went through baring children, so did my grandmother, and my mother. Now, it is my turn, and I can fully understand why the gift of baring children is one of the greatest blessings god has only given to us women.

I am currently laying my body on a hospital bed, with a monitor stuck to my stomach listening to my baby's heart beat. The pure sound of relief, and peace. Hooked to an IV, with my husband on the side constantly kissing my face, our life has just taken us on one of the biggest turns, and has made us realize the pure meaning of "expect the worst, hope for the best."

Yesterday was a usual day, doctors appointment, work, and then home to my love. Our usual talks about how our day went, who's feet stinks, and complaining that our AC doesn't work. It wasn't until our friends walked when I started to feel uneasy. Talking with my best friend Lupe, I was out of mostly all the conversations. My head was dizzy, and i was too weak to stand up. I sat on the floor of my apartment, and just waited for them to leave. They left, and I stood in shock, I literally was drenched in blood. Having no phone, none of my emergency bags ready, and a husband who has no idea where the hospital was, hit me hard. I had no idea what to do, all I could think about was my unborn son. Our drive to the hospital was a time where my husband and I just sat in tears. So many questions filled my head, so many doubts took over my thinking, so much emotional pain took over my body. My first pregnancy, my third trimester, my soon to be first son was not coming the way I was expecting. Even the words of "will be okay" meant nothing at the time.

Arrived to the emergency room, blood rushing down my legs, I prepared myself for the worst. Praying to god to please take me, let my son live, let him come through the plan of salvation, let him take the time to experience the meaning of free agency. Lucky enough this little soldier was still safe and sound, still being totally active in my belly, still kicking the crap out of me. To hear the heart beat was definitely one of the most peaceful things to hear. Made me realize that god still wants him to come.

Sitting here, I now have fully understood the purest gift of being a mother. The heart we hold inside our body, the kicks we feel, the pure connection we make with our child. this soul is a big part of our life only because we create them. we show tender, love, and care from the moment we find out we are pregnant.
So when the slightest shift is made, we love so hard because it is our kids who teach us how to love, so when they are older, we teach them what they actually have taught us. That love will only and always be between a mother and child, and that to me is pure magic.

I'm doing fine, just on bed rest for the rest of my days until labor. C-section is the only option as of now, but just had the priesthood bestow a blessing hoping that whatever the outcome maybe, it will all be worth it. Life is so valuable, so I know I must cherish every moment.

More than a lesson.

My Fridays use to be what I lived for. I was all about the weekends. Now being married, I live for my husband, and our family. My life just got REAL! Can't complain, this is what I wanted, and for the most part,  I can't explain how thankful my new life has taken me.

For those who understand struggles, and how each of us have our own, we are all still connected in the same way. Maybe we aren't going thru the same thing, but the fact of going thru a hardship can connect us on how painful it is emotionally. I guess the hardest thing for us at this time is trying to find ways to become stable. What jobs we have to get into, what sacrifices we have to make to pay the bills on time, or how to support each other without defending what we individually think is best. We live for each other meaning what we get ourselves into doesn't just affect one, it affects all. 

As emotional as this has been for us, we never fail to count our blessings. Sometimes it's hard to take the negative feedback we get, and at times we question ourselves what did we get into? When are we ever going to be stable? Why can't we just give up now? Then the reality check of people constantly reminding us how young we are, and we still have a full life ahead of us. People at our ward thought me and Travis were brother and sister, and boy did we find that very awkward. We've had feedback from some who remind us that going back to school is the best thing to do. We've had feedback reminding us that if we just waited it all would've been better. 

Of course it hurts to get this feedback, but it was all we were expecting. We expected to be doubted, to be judged, to be misinterpreted. Whether be because of our age, or of how unstable we are doing, the last thing we have on our minds is to not try. We've been this far in life to realize life lessons. We have been taught wrong from right. We knew that if we were able to make the best choice for us which is to be lawfully wedded, we would go through the experience of always trying. To never give up, or give in to doubts. If one thing doesn't work, there was always another way. We do what we can, because we know it's worth every sweat, tear, and time. 

These are more than just lessons, these are the simple blessings that we know God has given us to get through. like the quote, "god doesn't put us in situations we can't handle." He knows our potential, and he patiently awaits as we try and discover what we have. Everything has a purpose, and I know that all I can do is thank him. He's helped me through trails many times, why would he stop helping me? He's has given me the best companion to bring me back to what's right. Who constantly reminds me that he's never going to leave. To remind me he's the hottest guy ill ever meet in my whole entire life. I can't argue with that, LOL. 

Through the storm, and the hardship, I'm happy that I am able to count my blessings, to see how much we've accomplished, and to realize the teachings of every real life lesson we go through. Patience is hard, but  always served better with prayer. 

Loving every second of my life, and glad that my plan was made to be this way. God is good. xo!