14 days and counting..

It has finally come down to the last two weeks before I check in to St. Marks hospital. I seriously wake up every morning hoping it will be Tuesday October 9th already. Finally getting to nourish and cherish a gift that came from God. The most precious thing from heaven. My husband and I constantly remind each other how excited we are.

Feeling love, being in love, and now creating love has been the greatest experience in my whole existence. All humans are prone to feelings, so we all know or have felt the feeling of it. That's why we crave it so much. A feeling so unique, it's no wonder why we take break up's, and heartache to another level.

I'm a fan of love, and blame my zodiac sign for that. I'm glad to be a sucker love....and chocolate....and nutella doughnuts.

xoxo :)

Memories, I LOVE 'em.

Before I go on with this new blog, I just want my mom and dad to know that i do appreciate what they wrote on the blog before this one. For being the greatest examples,and for believing in me, even when I have doubted myself. I couldn't ask for better parents, and grandparents to my unborn son. Ofa lahi atu <3<3

Tears, tears! Love them! haha! anyway, a quick, but very meaningful blog. And this one is going to be all about the man who holds my heart, my wallet, and my money-My sexy hott husband, Mr. Travis Aufotu Peni!!! (And the crowd goes wilddd!) Yes, I am going to be that psycho wife who remembers the dates of when he first popped the "will you go out with me?" question. I can still remember it. very, very, VERY vivid! detail, to detail! LOL! It was nothing special, because I was the one who really asked it and all, LOL! no, but really, this kid and words- he's just that type that he doesn't have to say much, and you get what he's trying to say.

I think what keeps me falling in and out of love with him are the memories we've had. Til this day, I still get goosebumps, and chills running thru my spine. Til this day, I still laugh out loud thinking of how crazy in love we were. Those memories remind me of why I'm beyond in love with him. We can talk for hours about the times when we were dating, we will laugh at every little detail, and cry at those moments when we thought it was over.....But we were just being dramatic love birds of course. All in all, these memories are the ones that keep me falling in love with him, and seriously are the small but simple things of why I'm so in love. All the reasons why I shouldn't let go, give up or even doubt what we have.

I never understood the meaning of love until it was shown by someone who was totally opposite of me. From cultures, to personalities. I can finally understand the phrase, " opposites attract." so different, but intentions the same in certain ways. I have the worst mood swings, and I thank god everyday for a man who is able to stick thru it day by day. NOT EASY, but worth it. 

I'm glad I came to this earth knowing that I spent the best-est times with my soulmate. I came into this world knowing that Love can be found, and I'm beyond thankful to know that when I leave this world, I found love, felt love, and created love. 

I meant it from the first time i said it, and I will forever mean every bit of it- I love you ;) 

Eternity is REAL.

Remembering that I am human, and have made mistakes, and bad choices, I think the biggest of all was taking for granted the blessings of the temple. I'm still in the learning curve of life...I thank God for being patience with me.  Stay tune for more of my life learning.

Ofa atu

Back at One.

When a child finally gets the ice cream that he has been dying for, dreaming of, craving and drooling over, FINALLY grabbing a hold of it, lashing his tongue out in excitement to taste the amazing flavor, only to have a bully come and snatch it from him. That whole moment of excitement, victory, and confidence just buried in hopelessness, and deprived from all happiness. (and yes, if you haven't notice this is a metaphor of how I am feeling at this very moment in time.Why must i always involve food in my blogs? I'm pregnant, food is the only thing keeping me from total depression, HAHAHAHA.)

What can I say, every time I blog, it's always about how we are slowly but surely making progress in life. Sometimes I feel like we have seriously gotten the worst of it, but most times I see them as another stepping stone. I guess the hardest part is when you have it all planned out, and then life hits, BOOOOOM! Back to step one. BUT....yes, BUT BUT BUT, I've come to realize that that is the beauty of life. Now although time and effort has been put into something that may not have worked out as planned, you can always suck it up, cry for an hour, and then wake up tomorrow moving forward. THE PAST, the teachings we learned and move on from. The times and things we went thru only to motivate and better ourselves, and our future.

I guess you can say as for my hot husband and I, we keep each other optimistic about things. Because although it seems like we have been thru it all, it's just the beginning. Time is of the essences, and so we must slowly take in what is thrown at us, evaluate, and continue to make progress. Let me also tell you that is the best part of marriage itself. You'll never go through life alone, and always have the best support, from the only person you really need it from. Who better than the man(or woman) that holds your heart, and knows it!

So, yes! I am beyond thankful to know that all that I am going thru, been thru, and will still go thru no matter what, are temporary things. It's funny how we can face reality, but deception is what we really are afraid of. What we don't realize is how reality can be more of the blessing, deception is what we go thru to get it.

Update on my unborn son:

He is kicking, and making mommy let one rip in all sorts of public places.( and it's seriously embarrassing. I hope none of you end up or had the experience of a gassy unborn LOL!) 32 weeks, and I feel like he is beyond healthy. He is, like I have mention countless times, a soldier! Making mommy proud. I am too excited, and so is my husband. Only a couple more weeks to knock down, and our son will finally enter the best part of the plan of salvation.

xoxo from the Peni's :)

Count your Blessings.

Bed rest has been depressing, yet, full of relaxation. Depressing because I just realized I have ADHD, so when i'm asked to sit still, it's seriously like asking a little fat kid to just stare at the chocolate cake, and not eat it. IMPOSSIBLE! But yet, very relaxing because Travis now has be the wife/husband thru the rest of the pregnancy....But that's nothing new to him, seeing as he's always been doing everything since we have been married........weh! LOL. Aside from it all, it has been a huge roller coaster for the two of us.

It has hit me, and hit me hard that i'm not expecting my first pregnancy the way every women out there has. When it comes to having your baby natural, healthy, and all of that. I expected it just to be like that. But when the unexpected hits, especially when it comes to your unborn's life being on the line, everything you do must be with caution.

I wasn't always feeling so doubtful, but when you have two of your best friends also being pregnant, and being just as excited because they both know for sure that everything will be fine, and your the third person only hoping, only wishing and praying that God keeps you and your unborn in good hands so you can feel that same emotion is the hardest thing to look past. I'm beyond thankful that the lord has blessed my best friends with the chance of keeping themselves healthy and stable to be ready for there child, but when it came to thinking of myself, I felt hopeless.

I guess the feeling of hopelessness came from the fact that i was always looking forward to the worst, because the best wasn't happening. I tried to face reality that my unborn child has a big chance of not making it. Keeping me down and out, I slowly started being negative about my whole pregnancy. Negative to the point where all I expected was for the doctor to let me know that my unborn wouldn't make it.

Drenching myself in self pity, it didn't occur to me of how selfish I was until my husband lifted my shirt up while I was sleeping, and started talking to my stomach. He always does that, but this time is was different.  "Don't worry son, as soon as you come out, we're ditching your mom and going out for ice berg everyday." He always joked around, but I just sat in tears. He put so much faith in our child. Yet the one thing that I needed to do was just have faith, and I lacked it so much.

It's amazing how God simply teaches us, and reminds us the basic necessities we need to live Christ like, and yet it's the simplest teachings we forget. To just understand faith, knowing that although you can not see it, it's there means so much more than before. To know that regardless of all the trials, he's there, and he's doing what he needs to do to, I just need to do my part, and have faith.

I never wanted a reason to be angry with God, and I'm beyond thankful that I never had a reason to be. I know that Ill accept whatever comes my way because through the simple teachings I've been taught. Trials are temporary, and are meant to go through to better ones life.

As for the baby, he is 30 weeks, and is kicking. Good to know he's still active and alive. I can't wait for this C-section, and beyond ready for it :):)

The value of pictures.

So I guess what I have recently realized, thanks to instagram, is how much value a picture has. From throwback Thursdays, I'm always posting up the best times in my life, and then it hit me. I have never seen a picture of my mom when she was pregnant. She only has baby pictures of us. Not one ultrasound, not one with her belly, it's completely weird. Like we weren't born from her womb!! Hahahaha, well since we're in a new generation, and cameras are more easy to get ahold of, I have decided to post pictures of my pregnancy, not only for future references, but the value they treasure. So enjoy :)

What a soul means to a mother.

My great grandmother went through baring children, so did my grandmother, and my mother. Now, it is my turn, and I can fully understand why the gift of baring children is one of the greatest blessings god has only given to us women.

I am currently laying my body on a hospital bed, with a monitor stuck to my stomach listening to my baby's heart beat. The pure sound of relief, and peace. Hooked to an IV, with my husband on the side constantly kissing my face, our life has just taken us on one of the biggest turns, and has made us realize the pure meaning of "expect the worst, hope for the best."

Yesterday was a usual day, doctors appointment, work, and then home to my love. Our usual talks about how our day went, who's feet stinks, and complaining that our AC doesn't work. It wasn't until our friends walked when I started to feel uneasy. Talking with my best friend Lupe, I was out of mostly all the conversations. My head was dizzy, and i was too weak to stand up. I sat on the floor of my apartment, and just waited for them to leave. They left, and I stood in shock, I literally was drenched in blood. Having no phone, none of my emergency bags ready, and a husband who has no idea where the hospital was, hit me hard. I had no idea what to do, all I could think about was my unborn son. Our drive to the hospital was a time where my husband and I just sat in tears. So many questions filled my head, so many doubts took over my thinking, so much emotional pain took over my body. My first pregnancy, my third trimester, my soon to be first son was not coming the way I was expecting. Even the words of "will be okay" meant nothing at the time.

Arrived to the emergency room, blood rushing down my legs, I prepared myself for the worst. Praying to god to please take me, let my son live, let him come through the plan of salvation, let him take the time to experience the meaning of free agency. Lucky enough this little soldier was still safe and sound, still being totally active in my belly, still kicking the crap out of me. To hear the heart beat was definitely one of the most peaceful things to hear. Made me realize that god still wants him to come.

Sitting here, I now have fully understood the purest gift of being a mother. The heart we hold inside our body, the kicks we feel, the pure connection we make with our child. this soul is a big part of our life only because we create them. we show tender, love, and care from the moment we find out we are pregnant.
So when the slightest shift is made, we love so hard because it is our kids who teach us how to love, so when they are older, we teach them what they actually have taught us. That love will only and always be between a mother and child, and that to me is pure magic.

I'm doing fine, just on bed rest for the rest of my days until labor. C-section is the only option as of now, but just had the priesthood bestow a blessing hoping that whatever the outcome maybe, it will all be worth it. Life is so valuable, so I know I must cherish every moment.

More than a lesson.

My Fridays use to be what I lived for. I was all about the weekends. Now being married, I live for my husband, and our family. My life just got REAL! Can't complain, this is what I wanted, and for the most part,  I can't explain how thankful my new life has taken me.

For those who understand struggles, and how each of us have our own, we are all still connected in the same way. Maybe we aren't going thru the same thing, but the fact of going thru a hardship can connect us on how painful it is emotionally. I guess the hardest thing for us at this time is trying to find ways to become stable. What jobs we have to get into, what sacrifices we have to make to pay the bills on time, or how to support each other without defending what we individually think is best. We live for each other meaning what we get ourselves into doesn't just affect one, it affects all. 

As emotional as this has been for us, we never fail to count our blessings. Sometimes it's hard to take the negative feedback we get, and at times we question ourselves what did we get into? When are we ever going to be stable? Why can't we just give up now? Then the reality check of people constantly reminding us how young we are, and we still have a full life ahead of us. People at our ward thought me and Travis were brother and sister, and boy did we find that very awkward. We've had feedback from some who remind us that going back to school is the best thing to do. We've had feedback reminding us that if we just waited it all would've been better. 

Of course it hurts to get this feedback, but it was all we were expecting. We expected to be doubted, to be judged, to be misinterpreted. Whether be because of our age, or of how unstable we are doing, the last thing we have on our minds is to not try. We've been this far in life to realize life lessons. We have been taught wrong from right. We knew that if we were able to make the best choice for us which is to be lawfully wedded, we would go through the experience of always trying. To never give up, or give in to doubts. If one thing doesn't work, there was always another way. We do what we can, because we know it's worth every sweat, tear, and time. 

These are more than just lessons, these are the simple blessings that we know God has given us to get through. like the quote, "god doesn't put us in situations we can't handle." He knows our potential, and he patiently awaits as we try and discover what we have. Everything has a purpose, and I know that all I can do is thank him. He's helped me through trails many times, why would he stop helping me? He's has given me the best companion to bring me back to what's right. Who constantly reminds me that he's never going to leave. To remind me he's the hottest guy ill ever meet in my whole entire life. I can't argue with that, LOL. 

Through the storm, and the hardship, I'm happy that I am able to count my blessings, to see how much we've accomplished, and to realize the teachings of every real life lesson we go through. Patience is hard, but  always served better with prayer. 

Loving every second of my life, and glad that my plan was made to be this way. God is good. xo!

Lifetime Lover.

So this morning  I was watching Today news, and they showed this video clip of an old married couple giving advice to there son who was getting married. And who to give better advice to a young couple, than an old couple. I died in laughter seeing as i'm in that part of my pregnancy where I seriously would like to give my husband two black eyes. 

Our almost-4-month marriage is going by very smooth. We have our own spot, which in all seriousness helps our marriage out A LOT! Helps us grow in various ways, as to managing money, what really matters, and what doesn't. Who's more lazy, and who cleans, which happens to be Travis at most times. He's truly the wife and husband in this relationship. Just goes to show that he was well taught, and that I'm a huge lazy bum, but anyways..........................Lol, our honeymoon stage has passed, but we are definitely in the marriage zone now, and I love it.

I still can't believe that as young and immature as we were, and probably still are, that we have managed to stay on the same page. That's one thing I have learned so far, is to not be so uptight, we have this whole lifetime ahead of us, and working on it to be forever. It's good to agree that we can disagree, because although our opinions and thoughts are different, we can still manage to compromise, and stay on the same page. Even if i'm wrong, Travis already knows he rather be HAPPY than to be RIGHT! Lol ;)

Just wanted to share a little bit of how amazing it has been, and how hopeful I am towards being in this kinda love with my lifetime partner for a long time. Have an amazing weekend bloggers <3 

Oh it is Wonderful...

It's been a while since my last blog. Not that I have failed to keep you all updated, but kinda lost the motivation to blog. April has been the month of heartaches, stress, but most of all, quality family time. Couldn't have asked heavenly father to bless me with such a great family, who sticks it out through the ups and downs. That is truly what family is all about.

Even though the worst has happened with losing our favorite aunt, sister, mother, friend, daughter, we know that she is in the greatest of all places, and thank our gospel for giving us the hope and grace to know that we will all be with her again.

This aunt of mine was definitely one-of-a-kind. strong, outgoing, LOOOOOOUD, but had the biggest heart. Never did she show her weakness to the world, she was one superwomen to always show the world the happiest part of her, because in reality, she was seriously always happy, and she never failed to put a smile on anyone's face.

It wasn't until my loving aunt past away where I finally realized the importance of one soul, one personality, one BIG heart. I seriously knew what I had all along. A second mother. Although no one can take place of my real mom, it was always my 2ND mom's who made me realize how great my mother is. You see, whenever I was mad, or had a problem with my mom, I could always run to my mom's sisters, and they would make me realize why my mother has taught me the things she has taught me. Because of them, they have helped me become a better mother personally. I can't thank my aunts enough for all they have done for me and my sisters. For making us have a stronger bond, all because they have one too. For showing us the meaning of, "it takes a village to raise a child," and I stick by that firmly, because it seriously does! You have your aunts, uncles, church members, school teachers, friends, literally EVERYONE to help you become the person you are. You have plenty of MOM's to go around, or as I like to call them, SUPERWOMAN's. They are the ones who you can always count on when your down and out, when your in need of help, or when you need a place to eat, sleep, bathe, and potty. I've seen my mom do it with my cousins, I've seen my aunts do it with me and there kids friends, and that shows me that no matter how rich or poor one is, a soul being saved and cared for is always the greater blessing.  So I want to thank all my aunt's for that, and also my church leaders, school teachers, etc. just for showing me what a superwoman does all comes from the heart. 

Now,(nacho libre voice) time to get to the needy-greedy. A great woman has past, but a new soul carries her name from here on out. Baba's oldest son has his first born named after his mom. So I know for sure, she's going to come out just like her name-sake (OOOOOHHHHH NOOOOO!! Lol) As for the rest of the family, Kaloni leka is having another Langi boy, and one of the oldest grandson's of the Lutui family has finally tied the knot, congrats to Andy and Kalisi Lutui, and welcome to the LOOT FAM! Lol. One more amazing wedding coming up, Lita and Tane Laskau which is next Saturday, and they will be sealed for all time and eternity. That is going to be another great blessing that I am looking forward to being there...Outside of course, gotta wait a year, lol. It has been a crazy fun-filled family time with my family, and I look forward to much more. Family forever, family always. xoxo.

p.s.-im 16 weeks, and loving the pregnancy. the 2nd trimester is starting off as smooth sailing, and I think it's going to take me another couple of weeks until you realize I am pregnant. I was an overgrown child when I was young, so I have a lot of extra baggage, FML. Lol, anyway, cheers <3

Moving forward.

I reflect back to my old blogs, and one came up of Travis doing preparation for his mission. What ever happened? Well, God works in mysterious ways.

Who is Travis, Really?(I bet your asking! Lol)

Well, Travis is a quiet, humble, firm LDS believer, speaks out of turn, wants 20 kids, dancer, prancer, sucks at singing, type of husband. He knows what he wants, and what he doesn't want. He has his mind of his own, and doesn't think the worst of things.

19, and having no choice but to go on a mission, was the only thing troubling him. He's such a family man, and loves him mom, dad, grandpa, and siblings so much. Because his life, he was always seen as a father figure to his siblings. He always wanted to be the best example for his brothers especially. But it was hard for him to think of leaving, because all he wanted to do is be there for his family.

Sooooo........Why didn't he go?

Well, everyone makes there own choices, we can all put our opinions in, but really, the only opinion that truly matter is, the lords. After months of trying to convince this kid why a mission is so important, he finally sat me down, and basically, shut me up. He asked me if I pray. I'm like, uh yeah. But he wasn't meaning that, he was asking me if I actually pray, on the daily. If I ever just take the time to talk to God. Back then, I was so rebellious, the spiritual side of me was no longer connecting to me, because of choices that I made in my past. I was slowly giving up on myself, and what I believe in. So, I wasn't able to know exactly what he meant. I kept listening. He told me, that God has always been there for him and his family. The gospel, and the LDS church, has always been there when in need of help. He could never lose the sight of God, after all he has done for him, why shun the the light of god away. He told me he prays all the time, when no one else listens or understands him. He told me he feels like his mission is to take me to the temple. For him to be here, and help me become the firm believer that I once was. "You have a strong mind, too strong that your losing sight of all you believe in....That's why I'm here, to help you.God has answer my prayers, and I know what he wants me to do. This is my decision, and this I won't EVER regret."

I couldn't help but agree. What ever choice he made, I knew he was right. Why? Well, I don't know many people out there who pray for the lords guidance in many things. FOR EVERYTHING. Not even I did, I did what everyone else would do, I gave up in my belief. I did whatever pleased me.

I feel blessed always, that the lord was able to give me a missionary of my own to teach me the small and simple things. To be reminded of why I need to be grateful for all I have. A man with a strong belief in God, and a heart of a missionary, is a man of his word, to me, and to the lord. I have no excuse but to fulfill my husbands calling, and get to the temple. to live a celestial life here on earth.  To become a better me for my family.

The lord calls many, but not all. Some are only to stay to save the one true thing our gospel is based on. FAMILY. To have an eternal one. That is there mission. I'm thankful that the lord blessed me as a daughter of god, to let me remember that I have the greatest.

NO matter what happens, no matter what choices are made, there will always be a reason to it. God allows things to be because he knows the best will come.

To all the Missionary Girlfriends out there, keep up the faith. Not only in him, not only in you, IN GOD. Keep your sight in god, because this is not just a mission for your missionary, it's a mission for YOU. Keep up the great work. :) xoxo

A little bit of Everything.

Well. Lets see, update? I'm 10 weeks, and hating it. I know, I'm horrible because I shouldn't say that, but now I can fully understand why mothers always tell me you don't know what pregnancies all about until you have one. Then here comes the infamous phrase, "I told ya so!!!" I just hope these next months fly by FAST! Ugh, and to think I was so baby hungry. I guess I kept thinking that my baby was really just going to fall from the sky in 9 months. I was obviously wrong. Anyway, My morning sickness is more like, all-day sickness, and my mood swings are not helping either. I was doing so good, cleaned up my potty mouth, so energized, so ready for the marriage life. Now I'm back to step one. I feel so bad for Travis, he has to put up with all the horrible things I say, but clearly don't mean.....sometimes....Lol, aside from all the terrible pains and attitude, I'm excited.

I WAS so ready to have a girl. I have a lot of nephews, and only three nieces, and yeah, my nephews drive me insane! I notice that my nieces mature much more faster than my nephews do. So, if she was able to mature fast, it wouldn't be too hard to raise her.....AND THEN, I thought about myself. If I was mature like how my nieces were young, I started acting like a smart-ash when I was in my teen years. My daughter would be a "MISS KNOW-IT-ALL." Wow, I seriously can't have another me in the family. I think I was bratty enough. So, I pray everyday to have a little boy......ALL BOYS! Lol, I'm kidding. I do want to have a girl...........just NOT NOW!! Lol, but if I do get a little princess, she is going to be a very cute one. After her hot mama! So, just a couple more weeks until we find out what this little blessing is going to be.

As for our marriage life...

What can I say, I truly have the greatest. I love MY BABY BOY! I have gotten past the limits of being lazy, and I feel bad because he works all day, then comes and cooks. I know, I suck, but gosh, if this all-day sickness could stop getting the best of me, I would be the loving wife that I should be, lol. I love our talks, and our two-minute fights we get into, just because we ran out of things to discuss. I love how he's my reminder rock. Do you know what a reminder rock is?(I bet you don't, lol) Well, in young w omens, our teacher made us reminder rocks to put under our pillow to say prayer every morning and night. So if we forget, the rock is there to remind us. And that is what Travis is, except he's not under my pillow, he just always reminds me to say prayer. I love that. We haven't been the greatest when it comes to church. I guess it's because were scared of our ward. Lol, I know, I know, I shouldn't be. But this is both our first time to go to a Samoan ward. And also the feeling of going to church with out your mom and dad is kind of weird. BUT, I should know better, and should go no matter what. After all, the gospel is the same everywhere, from then, until now...until forever. I tell him all my weird dreams I've been having lately, but he tends to laugh at it, and calls me weird. All we do everyday is watch Dinner with the Schmucks. We know that movie from beginning to end. All and all, our basic life revolves around god, and bills...and I wouldn't want it any other way ;)

That's the update on our little soon-to-be Flam-ree. Have a good week bloggers. xoxo :)

Same Problem, Different Person.

I think we can all agree that you always have those friends who are going through things you somewhat went through, or are going through it right now. I can also tell you that no matter how much we seem to think we have totally different problems, it's really the same thing. You are just going through it with a different guy in a different time.

We all will experience heart breaks, and the feeling of losing our first love, but that doesn't stop us from finding a better one. TRUST ME, I have been through the worst in love, and now I am enjoying the sweetest of it.

"LOVE IS PATIENT."

We choose what type of partner we want to seek in life. We choose from the personality to the looks. Either a rich person, or a person with swag, or even, the same sex. What ever it may be, we should not forget that those people, are looking for the same qualities. 

Sometimes, we make quick decisions. We see everyone is falling in love, and we are still standing with the "im Single" sign. We get insecure, and start feeling that we might not be as pretty, or as amazing as our friends, but  DON'T LET GET THE BEST OF YOU. Love is a test. Love will push you closer to who you are looking for. Love will show you how to love yourself, before you are able to love someone else. 

I now realize how important it is to have standards. let me tell you, in the game of LOVE, standards are the key for you to win the game. But what if we lowered our standards? what if we fell short, and gave into worldly pleasure? Every choice comes with it's consequences. Women are known to always fall in love with the first man they have given there virginity to. Why? Because we are so caring, and humans are the only things on this planet that are able to have intimacy face to face. Animals and other creepy things aren't, that's why most UN-human-like things don't feel what only humans can feel. Another amazing unique thing that only happens in human-nature, aren't we just so lucky? Yeah, if we are able to handle it in the right way. 

To make love is beautiful thing. It increases and unleashes feelings of all sorts. Makes you feel like you two are meant for each other in that moment in time. But just like a ball getting toss out the window, so can love. And that is why our parents, our society, our teachers, old people, people who have been hurt by love tell us to wait until Marriage. Seems like the hardest thing to do, right? I know tell me about it. But, taking the time to know who you want, and really get to connect with someone, is better than getting 1.56 seconds of pleasure. Cinderella didn't have to give up her virginity to find her true love, and neither should you. Go lose a shoe! hahaha. There's other ways to find who you want to be with, and you'll know, because you will feel the exact same, it is just dwelling in two different bodies. 

I should be the last person to tell you all  of this. But I'm just as heart broken as others. I FEEL YOUR PAIN, really though. I just want people to know that just because Rihanna went from a good girl gone bad, doesn't mean you have to. Sometimes the road of being desperate, will always end up to be the road of regret. The feeling of being heart-broken will never cure, unless you are able to rebuild yourself, and get your standards back together. Just because you fell short once, doesn't mean you always have to fall short. like Kelly says, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." 

Love is patient, and time heals all. Don't let one bad choice, become a bad habit. When emotions are hurt, all you want to do is be heart broken forever. But let's not forget that things happen for a reason, and because we are tested daily. Just because we failed once, doesn't mean we fail forever. There is always room for improvement. It can make you or brake you. 

So when everyone else is waking up in love, and your sitting there still holding your single sign. Hold it with pride, and never settle for any less. You might just see someone else holding there with pride also. It's worth the wait, I promise ;)

It's not JUST a name.

I finally went to the doctors to see how many weeks I am and all. Let's just say I'm happy we got married when we got married. LOL, 8 WEEKS, 5 DAYS, don't judge me -____- lol, just as long as my little blessing is fine and still hanging in there, I'm good with whatever goes.

"Travy"(he hates when I call him that) an I have been talking about names, and what he would name the baby if it was a boy, or a girl. Now, because we are two different cultures, we had to educate each other on why we prefer what we should name our blessing :)

I was raised in a tongan-American culture, where both were taught at home. My oldest brother and I were named after my fathers side, which is considered to be respectful. The wife in our culture shows respect to her husband and also his family by naming the first two oldest (or even all the children if you love him THAT much, lol.) Reason being that basically, from what I was taught, is that you're thanking them for raising the man who is the provider for you and your new family, and also showing that you respect your husband. It shows humilty in the wife, and also shows that you both wear the pants in the relationship, and the wife has no full control, neither does the husband. Now this is how I was raised, and I am grateful I was brought up that way.

I am named after my beautiful grandmother Losaline Lapaho-Tukuafu. My fathers mother. We grow in the American society, where we are able to name our children whatever, which is fine. As for me, I am proud that I am named after someone who has left a legacy, a purpose in life. I wasn't always proud though, in all honesty. Growing up with a polynesian name can be the hardest thing for teachers to pronounce. All my life, I have been called 20 other different names, other than the right way to say it. Eye-rolling everytime i heard a "Losalina" or a "Lusalin" or a "LozaLine(a straight line),"  I would be embarassed everytime because I would hear kids point out the obvious, "hey line, she said your name wong. HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Made me feel even more insecure, due to the fact that my last name was also hard to pronounce. Always questioning myself, "What the heck were my parents thinking when they named me this name?" yup, I was so close to changing my name to Beyonce, lol.

It wasn't until I had to do research on my name. The meaning behind why I hold the name I hold. Who better to ask, then the man who named me, my dad. Turns out my dad only knew so little too. His mom died the night of his 4th birthday, so he only can remember so much. BUT, my grandma happen to be a very popular lady. My dad became best friends with her friends, asking them all about this lady who was the mother of him and his12 siblings. They told many great stories of how hard-working, and caring she was. How she adored each one of her children, and also a very firm believer in the church.Stories about how she would walk miles to get to church with her kids, and how she gave all she had away to get to NZ to be married in the temple. My dad says that although he didn't know much of her, he feels like she lives through him, and me. How she had her trials to get her to the temple, and how I have mine, to get to the same place.

It's amazing how we end up being just like our namesake, and not even know it. How a name tells a whole different story. A name, a passing of a legend from one generation to the next. It's always nice to look up to someone who made it through hard times, and trials. Who learned about the greatness in life. Who walked through what you are going through now. That is motivation, and a full understanding of why a name is more then just a name.

What's in a name? A whole different life, that we know only so much about. I hope when we are able to choose a name for my little blessing, it will be a great one.For you hold more than just a name, but the blessing that comes with it.

I laugh at how excited I am to be pregnant. I guess this is how all wives are with there first.

Safe weekend to all, go crazy! xoxo

The Bun Is In The Oven.

I always mention how amazed at where I am today. How All in a moments time, everything changes, and all that I thought I knew about, I had no idea. God, Love, Money, Family. All changes when your the one who's creating it. Pregnant, I am, and more than excited for it, indeed. My intentions were not to be expecting at this time, but I must always keep in mind, it's not my time and place, but god's. To create a child of god is a blessing I've always longed for. To have a blessing of my own, and for that blessing to have the opportunity to pass the veil is one that I truly think has more than power to come to earth, but to have a body combined with a spirit, a personality to compliment the looks, and to go through life's trials and tribulations to find who they really are, is only something that only God himself can do. To show us how strong and able we are as humans to withstand the evil which Satan has brought in this world. I for one am MORE than grateful that I will be able to be the teacher of my children, to show them the right from wrong, to be able to teach this blessing of mine, the mysterious works of god.

Bittersweet, this feeling is. Bitter because how do I teach them what's right, when I for one have been through the wrong paths? How do I as a mother teach this blessing how to get the best of life, without taking the road I took? It always troubles me as to how I will go about this. Like on the TV show "weeds" where Karma takes it's toll. I always think back to my parents, who were amazing in their teachings. They taught me the best that they can, why was it so hard for me just to do as they say. I guess some of us just have to go through our own experiences to realize that what are parents taught us is RIGHT, and no matter how many times we make up excuses to prove that we are right-er, were not.

I realized that my parents knew that I will have trials of my own, and I will be in the battle between the world and the gospel. And although my trials have brought the worst out of me, the teachings and blessings my parents taught me since I was young still are with me. So you teach them young to do right, because when they have finally reached that age where they will be put to the test, all you can do as parents is hope that what your children have grown up to know, understand, and what they have been constantly taught, will be with them always, no matter how many choices and mistakes happen. That's the sweet part of the bitter. You will always remember who taught you what is right, and who will be their even when the sun don't shine(miguel voice, lol.)

My parents always taught me to thank the lord first, before ever thanking them for anything. Coming to realize that my parents make human errors also, and no matter how hard, or how many times they were fed up with me, they prayed to the on highest also, to soften their hearts, for they are learning how to deal with me, lol. I'm thankful and excited that because my husband and I were taught the same moral values, it becomes easier for us to teach our kids what our parents have taught us. The morals which have been passed from generation to generation.

I'm still in my first trimester, and do everything I can to make sure nothing happens to this blessing, since it is still in it's very fragile stages. BUT, I know that God always takes care of his little ones, because he loves them dearly. As for me, I'm not excited to blow up and look like a huge elephant, but the joy of eating whatever I please and have the excuse "I'm pregnant" makes the elephant looking part not so bad after all.

This is one adventure I'm excited to take, and I hope this blessing will become a great singer like me, and a.....alright dancer like the daddy. Lol, god is good. :)

you do whaaaaat?

It will be a month tomorrow since my husband and I have been married, and let me tell ya, we have finally reached the stage of "I didn't know you were like that," in our marriage life. It's so funny how you date, and fall in love with this, oh-so-amazing-guy-you-thought-only-existed-in-movies, but really after all the "i-do's" are said and done, in comes the "i had no idea" parts. But I figure that's what makes marriage life much more interesting. 

HOW OUR MARRIAGE LIFE IS REALLY LIKE.

Travis being the stay at home mom.

That's just me looking like beyonce, being the hott daddy ;) 

For example, My husband from the get-go told me he's all about dance and basketball, but who would've guessed he bakes?! MY HUSBAND BAKES! cookies, to cakes, to these little mini thingys with cream-filling inside. I mean, jeeze, I for one, only know how to use the microwave, and am a pro at that, but him knowing how to bake, wow I feel like I failed as a wife, as a mother, and definitely as a best friend! He claims he doesn't mind, and I hope he doesn't, I mean when I was growing up, we only had a stove, a griddle, and a microwave. So not much baking done there. Anyway, I was shocked, and determined to be the lady that sings on the "anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything better than you." So I sit hopelessly on pintrest, and google looking for recipes on baking and cooking in general since I suck at that too. And although he has beat me there, I will never get over the fact that my husband bakes. NEVER.

...But you think that's all I had no idea about. Well let me tell you what he never saw coming from MUAH! Woke up one morning and Travis was up sitting in the living room. Me, of course not caring much of that, and caring more about getting to sleep in, gets up, walks to the kitchen, and smiles. BEST SLEEP EVER....for me. Unfortunately, Travis is shocked that I snore. And he says it's not just any normal, breathing in and out snore, it's like so loud and obnoxious...."Like a pig with a really small nose, using his mouth to gasp for air typa-snore."(so he says.) He figures I also kept the neighbors up. I just laugh, because I know me, I SLEEP CUTE, that's why I call it beauty sleep, BECAUSE I DON'T SNORE. He begs to differ, and ask that I tune it down a little when I sleep. I start feeling really bad that i "supposedly" snore like a warthog. anyway, I attempted to grant his wishes, and wait for him to fall asleep first....uhh yeah, FAIL. I'm that type of person that all you got to do is give me a bed, a blanket, and a pillow, and I'm out 2 seconds later. So, now that he has figured our I'm a hibernating BEAR, he sleeps before me, and just as long as I'm not keeping him up, I'm one happy camper, and so is he.

It's funny because you think you know all about one person, but really you have no idea. Pretty much clueless when you get married. So what, right? Well, I guess some of us aren't so lucky. I'd have to say Travis rather listen to my killer snores, than finding out I'm a Husband murderer, like the lady on Medea goes to jail...but in that case, it would be Travis being a killer, because he bakes brownies for his brownie....Going back on subject. I guess we still have a lot to learn about each other...a WHOLE LIFE TIME. I just barely found out his favorite color is red, and he just found out when my birthday is. Turns out it's the same as my mother-in-law (his mom) so he wants to make us matching shirts with arrows pointing at each other, saying "we're twins because we have the same birthday." Yes, he gets that annoying my blogger friends. But, as long as we both get a laugh out of it, it's all good. 

From here, I've learned that bills will always pile up, money will never meet all our expectations, and faith combined with work, is all the magic you need to make two souls dwell as one, with each other, and with god. Although we have hit rock bottom ALREADY, all we keep doing is aiming high, and keeping a clear conscious. I feel that's how we really keep in touch with each other spiritually, and mentally. That's how we build our trust, our friendship, and our marriage to last forever. 

So, I guess it's one month to eternity. All aboard y'all. safe weekend friends and family. xoxo :)

New Life as a WIFE.

February 3rd, 2012.

 MARRIED. LAWFULLY WEDDED. COMMITTED. SO IN LOVE.

I feel so renewed, and at a new page in my life, where i take full coverage and control. Married to the love of my life, and it didn't take me years to realize that. I AM A VICTIM OF LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, and let's just say i couldn't be anymore happy then this. We may be young, and still have a lot to learn, just thankful that will be able to learn through life's lessons together. We are definitely still in that honeymoon stage, and i get sooooo baby hungry now that marriage has made its toll, but will have to be patient. when the blessing comes, i know ill be all for it ;) 

I look back, and my gosh, a year got me to where i am standing today. I hate the fact that I have no idea as to what my future holds. I use to be so organized, as to what i know what will come next, but only god knows what's best for me. I'm thankful i survived my downfall moments.....I would go through it all over again just because i know it will end up sweet. 

Travis and I always have our daily talks. Who would've thought we would get hitched after 7 months of intense dating....and by intense i mean long walks on the sandy beach ;) hahaha. I'm glad god showed me that there are still GREAT MEN out there who were raised right. He's all I've ever expected from a husband and more. I'm too in love to let a great man EVER leave my life.....I know that there is 3 BILLION other people who know exactly how I feel. Crazy how god works right. 3 billion people know how you feel, and yet we are still so different, that our love feels so unique. 

How did we meet? oh thanks for asking! haha, well......IT'S FATE! hahahaha, our best friends dated, soooo, we were the tag-a-longs, and there rides. AT FIRST, I wanted to do some serious 'shave my back'(that's a metaphor for kill my self) for saying yes to lupe ill take her to see her boy friend, because i would have to sit there and listen to travis talk about all these girls he's made out with, or kissed, or dated. my first Impression towards travis: IMMATURE LITTLE !@#$ I DONT CARE !@#$%^&&*(^%*(&^%^$$!!!!!(of course he was unusually attractive, so i had to say this all in my head)anyway- days prolonged to weeks, and his never-ending stories of how he's dated so many girls seemed TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!! I started to make up all these boys names just so i can sound just as PIMP DADDY as he was. I mean, i admit, i became jealous a little. He seemed to be more attractive every time we WERE FORCED to hangout! after endless nights of comparing who hooked up with more people, he finally told me he liked me.....OOOOOh I didn't give in.....i ....just..............hesitated........okay then i gave in! At first, i always asked myself, why am I dating a  guy who's uncle does intense karate moves outta nowhere?( i'm not lying he has an uncle who's amazing as karate) I finally realized that it wasn't his uncles karate moves i was in to, it was Travis himself. 

Now i can sit here and brag about how amazing travis is but...........No, im gonna sit here and brag about how amazing my husband is because EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW! Lol. Humble. It's hard to find those kinda guys now days. His passion is to be a helping hand towards others. He respects his family and others in various ways, i feel like he's way too good for me at times. THAT'S when you know for sure, he was raised by a hardworking, dedicated mother who did all she did for her kids. It shows, and i get to witness that everyday, just by the things he does for me. He may be quiet, but has a HUGE HEART. a silent leader i should say. Because I like to be very observant, and just watch how people react to things, I watch him on they daily, and he may not be the guy who has all the money in the world, but he has those killer abs that get me on a Samoan high hahahaha, im kidding, but he has this amazing caring, respectful  personality, that automatically let's you know he's one you can count on, and i would trade all i have just to be able to be with someone like that. I know for a fact he would do anything just for me, even get me to eternity. 

I talk to some of my co-workers, and they tell me their stories of their marriage life. One of my co-workers told me how her husband passed away and left her with two kids. I get so emotional, i went to the bathroom and cried. Even the thought of losing him is something I fear for. When were not together, I miss him more than ever. I can't imagine ever losing him, a lifetime partner, 'soulmate.' But I know that when were finally able to make it to the celestial kingdom, ill be able to be with him more than just this life time, but for the next. 

It's funny how time all of a sudden time matters when you have someone to share it with. there will never be enough time to spear, so enjoy every moment of it. You never know when your time will stop, so looove harder than before, because when you begin not to care, so will time.

Married, and at our own spot, working harder than ever just to pay bills. All worth it, because i get to wake up everyday right next to the man that holds more than my heart, more than my soul...he holds my wallet, and all my credit cards ;) 

As for this new life, im going full throttle, and not slowing down ;) 

 xoxo - Peni's.

The Sweetest of all things.

WOOoOoOOoooOW!

2011 was one year that most definitely  made the biggest impact on me. A year out of high school, and let me tell you, the real life aint no joke. But aside from all the downfalls and hard moments, I've had reached the sweetest of all sweetest blessings, and that is finding that special someone. Also having the best family, with the greatest friends, and the nicest people in general around you 24/7 bringing the positive energy that one needs to proceed in life. Thru the rough times, I am thankful for those who have had my back and stuck by me, especially to God who has provided his love through the joy of others. 

There are some people I want to bring up who have done nothing but help me make it to where I am. Although there are many who have stuck it out for me, these ones went over the limit, and made sure I get the best of all things. 

MY PARENTS- Of course, the people who know everything you're going through, even when you think you know everything. Even when I pushed them away, they made sure that I was safe, and always prayed for me. Can't go wrong when you put your trust in the lord, and that's exactly what my parents did. Knowing that regardless of all that i went through, i still came back to where it all started, HOME. I am thankful to have the greatest love, all because it was taught to me from home. All because 2 wonderful people fell in love. I love my mom and dad, and I know that because of them, God is real, and is always there for me.

MY BEST FRIENDS- Bo Lui, Lupe Tauteoli, Mona Livai, Cindy Afu, Nikki Atiga and Rachel Odell.. and Ricky, Sam, Ezra and Taani! Lol. Its soo funny how you grow up, and become soo close to those who have different personalities, and priorities, but yet still manage to be your greatest friends. I love these people, and are not just a BIG THING TO ME, there a million small things. They're always gonna be the people who never left, all because I never left. They have a small part of me in each of them, and will always be the greatest blessings. Like they say, Friends are like the family god let you pick. Im glad I chose the right ones. 

MY BROTHERS- These guys are annoying, rude, and call me fat after every sentence. But thru all the put downs, they are those guys you search for when looking for a guy. yes, we always find someone just like our dad, but also that guy who we know will have our back, just like how all brothers got it. That respect we gain from our brothers is a bond I never want to lose. My brothers mean more than anything to me, and im forever thankful for them. Tiv all the way to Baby Lusa! Lol, thank you guys for the advice, the support, the love, and the joy you guys fill me with. I couldn't ask for a better set of bros!

MY SISTERS- Now these ladies are the ladies who act just like me. My LPG's and Tukuafu side! My sisters are my rydahs who always gave me that push! JUST DO IT! I love these sisters, and im very thankful to have them in my life. From our annoying sister nights, to random meetings everywhere. It's crazy to see us all grown and doing our own things, but because of our love for each other, I know will be great mothers, all because our mothers are. I know my sisters, and we all maybe hard headed, but only because we know what we deserve. stay strong, because god made us beautiful only because we are the greatest creations on the earth, not even a man can imagine what we go through. I love you ladies!

PRICILLA MAXINE TUKUAFU- Until this day, we have been the closest set of sisters one has ever seen. She's my one and only sister, but has THE BIGGEST impact in my life. From sharing beds then, to sharing rooms now, im happy to say I have the greatest room mate ever. The girl who has the beauty, the brains, and the personality, but yet holds back it all to help me. I know im the older sister, and im suppose set the good example, but regardless of my imperfections, she has made herself perfect, and im grateful that she doesn't have to go thru the experiences I went thru. instead of going thru the same things, she watched, and LEARNED. Im thankful for a blessing like her. She has been there from day one, and will always be there. she is my pride and joy, and as determined as she is, she will be the greatest blessing ever distinguished in my life. I love you Sil-dawg :) Lol.

MY 'SOUL-MATE'- in the short amount of time i have gotten to know this man, I felt like I've know him forever. Crazy how god puts people in your life, and they come and make life a whole lot easier to live. Im thankful he sent this hunk of love this way. He may be small and look 12 to y'all, but hes 19, and as humble as an innocent child. He was definitely a prince raised by a queen, and even though the temple is the castle we must wait a year to enter, it's a road that is less traveled that im willing to take. Travis is a guy who knows what he doesn't want. He looks past all flaws, and sees greatness, potential, and a queen in the celestial kingdom. He doesn't have much, but im not expecting a man to have    everything, just trust in god, and a positive spirit to lead me to a worth-living life. This is his mission, to be sealed in the temple. It's going to take a year, but in that year will gain eternity, and that's all I want, is to spend eternity with him. I love the future im about to start, and I love the man who im soon going to start it with. May the roller coaster were about to get on take us thru the bittersweet moments of life. May god bless us with what we will need to have in order to enter what we've been taught, may my new life be as sweet as the people in it. 

2012, bring on the fun. xoxo.

Looking Up.

I dont have much time. but let me just say im in LOVE with everything the lord has brought me with. GOSPEL, FAMILY, FRIENDS, and HIM! 2011 you have been bittersweet, but i would not want it any other way. CHEERS.

not so awesome blog -__-

These past few weeks have been nothing but total confusion. Like those kind where you seriously just want to grab the shaver, and shave your head bald! One minute im feeling like every things coming together, and making sense....then the next minute, im hit with something else, and it just burns my tower of cards down. its times like these, when i just wanna put on my cowboy boots, walk into a bar, and have it dead silent, while everyone is watching me walk to the bartender, asking for a shot, then everyone says, "SHOT?" and starts firing there bullets, while im sitting there sipping my drink, bobbing my head to norah jones, and ray charles, thinking of all my flaws. That has nothing to do, but this music is really putting me in a soul good mood.

Anyway--

its hard when soo many people expect soo much from you. i know it's because they know my potential and all of that...but the fact that im being seen as that puts soo much on me, i feel like if i mess up, im going to lose the people i love most. I dont want that to happen, but who knows...

Im not feeling any kind of happy as of rigt now. I hate when im not. I know what i need to do, i just hope im strong enough to stick through it. I hate life right now! FML! hahaha.

Hope everyone has a happy Halloween! mwah!