Hopeless

Days like today are days where I really sit back and think how I could've avoided the situation I'm in. I run on emotions, and most times- thinking about how I feel, instead of logically puts me into more trouble than good.

If I could've just said it this way...

Or if he could've just voiced it like this...

Or if we could've acted more like adults instead of being selfish...

It haunts me everyday, and more so hurts that because of our actions, we have now put the law in our marriage, thus making our whole situation more complicated than needed. I can't believe it got this bad, and I can't believe things got out of hand. I feel like my life is falling apart right before my eyes.

I'm seriously not blogging to make it sound like i want the world to feel bad for me, but just wanting to be able to vent. To be able to write how I feel...how my heart feels. Every marriage goes through the dumps, and I know one day things will be where they need to be, but honestly, I just want to be with my husband, and I want to be able to move forward- and yes I know that this is what we have to put up with because of our actions, and selfish choices....and we both fully own up to it....but it just, sucks. And I just feel so hopeless...drained...and I feel like giving in. I know this feeling is temporary, and I'll be back to my happy self again- but until then if someone has a genie that could grant me 3 wishes let him know I'm looking for him. 

Reality!

There has been some major changes this year for our family, all of which we have been blessed immensely from. 

We started our year off rocky. We got into a car accident on New Year's Eve, but luckily enough we all walked away with no bruises. My husband ended up spending sometime in jail, and we ended up with no car. Prior to all this happening, I was able to get 2 jobs. One for delta airlines, and the other for Enterprise rent a car. I remember the week before all this went down I felt so happy because we finally were financially stable with my husband who worked at Frito lay at the time. I was ready to make some money!!!! Heck, I was so ready to make my own money. BUT, of course all this drama happened and just when I felt satisfied something just had to ruin it. My husband ended up losing his job at Frito lay, and I now am the bread winner for our family.

I remember being so frustrated with God at this point. Just when I thought I could finally have it all, he took it away. Just when I finally felt a sense of security, he took it back. I was doing everything he wanted me to do, being a church going saint, and yet.....I felt like he didn't see that...he didn't care...

I never prayed so hard to a God I doubted so bad at the time. All I wanted was to finally be financially stable, and it seemed like it was too much to ask. Then one day I thought about my up bringing. I thought about how we grew up in a stabled home. My dad worked for the courts as a probation officer, and my mom just worked part time at mr. Mac's just to get out of the house. We lived in a big home, had nice cars, and always had great food on the table. We always went on family vacations, and in a nutshell were able to do a lot more than others in our neighborhood. Then, one day my dad decided that he wanted to leave his job that paid great to become an entrepreneur. It was a risky choice, but he was so confident in his dream he finally quit his job of making over 50 grand a year, to making 0$. Just hitting my teen years, I remember my mom crying for the first few years of this new path we were embarking on. It was hard, especially on her. She quit the job she worked at for over 20 years to find a better job to help provide for us and help with my dads dream. My mom began her new journey at beehive clothing where she would sew the garments for our religion. She stood 8 hours a day, 40+ hours a week to make ends meet. The thing I love most about my mom was throughout all of our hardships she always tried to Improve herself as a worker. If she wanted a better position, she worked hard to get it. 8 years later she's now a trainer getting paid much more than what she started out as. My dad is still the most hardest working entrepreneur I know. He has managed to master his native tongue to a T to where he is getting paid to translate...and that's only one of his many jobs. When he's done with his work, he's the one that's home being mom. Cooking, taking care of us, cleaning, all that mom stuff in between. It's been eight years and we're finally so comfortable in where we are at in life. 

I guess what I have learned most through out it all was 1- this so called "hardship" that I was going through was actually nothing new to me, I was just being a crybaby! Haha. 2- I was so focused on being the typical "husband is the provider and wife is a stay at home mom" that I didn't realize my mom has been the bread winner for us for quite sometime, which was also not new to me. 3- although my mom and dad switched rolls, they both never belittled one another- they knew that both jobs were still important. They showed me the blessing of going against the stereotype. 4- it's not about the money, never was about the money. I seriously think that God put us in these positions to realize what our core focus and foundation needed to be- and it was him. Nothing more, nothing less. 

5- always be optimistic!!!! Of a things this was one thing I am very good at. My sister always tells me I'm just like my dad. The absolute worst could be happening and we'd always be able to see the good in it. The more I stayed positive- the more I was able to keep myself going everyday! 

6- God can't help a hardened heart. For those times I wasn't optimistic and full of doubt- I prayed. Prayer has helped me so much in my life. It has taught me to stay humble and has softened my heart every time I was on my knees. Being able to communicate with God and just know that I wasn't going through this alone  helped me strive to keep going and to keep progressing. 

7- to love my husband unconditionally. For good or bad, better or worse- I signed my heart to him eternally. We've definitely switched rolls of him being mom and I'm being dad- but it has humbled us a lot just to be able to see each other's perspectives, and also has strengthen our marriage! It will be 3 years on February 3rd, and I am truly grateful to still be riding with my love! 

 

I've learned mostly to enjoy the struggle. Everything that I am going through now I will one day look back and be grateful that what I have gone through has only strengthened me and my family. It's a minor setback for a major comeback, and the year has just started which means that there is so much I can improve on! So bring it 2015, I am so ready for ya!

the update i was suppose to do weeks ago, but didn't! lol

I always get so inspired to blog right up to the time I have the laptop...Then all of a sudden I decide to camp on pinterest, and repin things I know i'm never going to do or try..But hey, that's what pinterest is after all, right? Lol.

2014 just seem to go by so quick. It's already October!!! Where has time gone?  I literally feel like I just popped out my 2nd son Timothy....And that's probably because I still have all the baby fat, and then some! ugh! lol, but despite my no motivation to work out and eat healthy what so ever, it has been a blessed year for my family of four!

My post before this was all about how I miss my siblings, and how they mean the world to me....but, yeah- i'm over them now! HAHAHA! I like it just fine with me being the only daughter home! Lol! I am thankful that they are out where they are needed to be, doing what they need to do.

Anyway, As for me...Guess you can say nothing has changed. Still loud, still a crybaby, and still an undercover brat! haha! Fa'amoana just turned 2 on September 29th, and we were able to celebrate another healthy year with our oldest! Those terrible 2's came with a huge bang, and he is clingy beyond measure!!!! BUT, he is the sweetest kid you'll ever meet! Meanwhile, our second oldest Timothy is so accident prone! We obviously know which son is the risk taking, I'm-gonna-do-it-anyway, bump-my-head-on-every-freaking-thing-boy! We took him in to primary childrens hospital because he managed to hit his big head on the floor! Doctor's told us he fractured it, but because he was still acting normal, and not unusual at all, they were going to let it heal on it's own!!! I am just grateful that even after we took him in, and he kept bumping his already dramatic bump on his head more, he is still healthy, and energetic! Not to mention about to walk and he's only 9 months! A fast learner he is!

Okay, so obviously my boys are all I like to brag about! Lol! As for my husband and I, we are still here and in love! I mean, ya know- In love as in we are still willing to put up with each other! Haha! I love my guy!

Here's an update on my basic life! God is Good!

Crybaby post

This past week we sent the baby in the family off to serve his 2 year mission. With my brother living in Arizona, my sister serving in Colorado, and my little brother in the Provo MTC, it sucks being the only one here to fend for myself. Now my parents give me all this unwanted attention, and there's really no one here to vent to, fight with, or to just keep me company. I know it's only been a couple of days, but I've realized a lot!

I've realized how mean I've been. I am the mean sister. The one who talks back, the one who never listens, the one who always has to have the last word. I am so that girl! Lol!

I've realized that although I have plenty of other siblings(my cousins) no one quite understands me like how they do. I used to get annoyed of my siblings because we all were just opposite from each other....well, except joe- we probably thinked too much alike that we just annoyed eachother! Lol, but that was just us! We all are totally different, but that's what made home feel like home. 

I'd never think in a million years that I'd be losing sleep over my siblings...But here I am, wide awake, with my pillow drenched in tears, just missing my realest best friends. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that they are out doing what they need to do, and I know I'll be seeing them soon, but I think I'm just not used to the whole *celine dion voice* all by myself, scene. Our bond is unique, the way we show our love to each other is kind of off, and we still try to fight over who our parents favor more( which I already know it isn't me, but I just fight for the heck of it! Lol) I couldn't

 imagine my life with out them, and am grateful that god has blessed me with 3 of the most ugliest people I call my siblings! Until the day we will all be reunited, god speed fam❤️

cheers to 2 years!

February 3rd marked our 2 years of being married. Yup, 2 years, 2 kids, 2 much to handle! Lol, I'm just glad that through all the threats, bipolarness, and hectic family events he still can't get enough of me! Hahaha!

For our anniversary we did what we've been dying to do for a long time. We were able to get a full eight hours of sleep! With 2 kids under the age of two, it seems like the only time you'll ever get to sleep is when you're six feet under ground! But Travis always knows how to work his magic...And by magic I mean drop our kids off to my mother inlaws house to sleep over! LOL! As nice as it was to get some shut eye, I woke up the next morning begging Travis to go pick up the boys!

As if that eight hours of sleep wasn't enough! My boothang worked his magic once again and got us tickets to see Tarrus Riley live in concert! Literally the cherry on top to it all!(Who cares if we celebrate our anniversary for the whole month, LOL! Best excuse ever!) If you know us, you know we're not really the PDA type, but Tarrus Riley's music got us feeling some type of way! LOL, moving and grooving to the beat, locking eyes, blowing kisses! Yes, love was definitely in the air! It felt nice to reconnect. Being a mom and dad is our first priority, and sometimes we get so worn out being parents, that we forget we're also suppose to be husband and wife, haha. Although I wished last night didn't end, it did! Lol, but I am glad that we were able to have time for us, and to be reminded of why we fell in love! (#YouCare #LastPartWasSuperSoft hahaha)

 I love what the marriage and family life has brought to MY life. Of course you have your good and bad days, but for most days, seeing where I am at today, compared to where I was before makes it all worth it. My husband has been an amazing provider for this family. He has and continues to sacrifice a lot for my boys and I. Although we still have a long ways to go, we've accomplished so much already.

 It's been two years, and I can still say that I am happy to be married to my best friend! Through the thickest and the thinnest times, he has always been the one who stays strong for us, and does what he needs to do to get us to where we need to be. Thanks for putting up with me, and understanding my unique sense of humor! Cheers to 2 years, and the many more years to come! Ofa Lahi Atu.

Travis and line +2

That's right. We welcomed our second baby boy on January 10th, 2014 at 10:43pm. Weighing 6 pounds 4 ounces, with the height of 19 inches! We decided to name him after Travis's older brother Timothy Ivan Peni. 

Having a VBAC was absolutley no joke, but definitely worth all the long pain and suffering. It has made me appreciate being a mother, and all the crazy whacko things we can do with our body...have kids, and feed them milk...and be all the TLC in between. That's definitely something only a mother can do. 

So far, I've been getting use to having two kids and just trying to manage out everything. 'Me Time' just doesn't exist anymore...Neither does peace, quiet, sleep, or clean clothes! But I wouldn't want it any other way. Having another baby boy just excites me as to what is in store for our future as a growing family.  My boys are my life, and I'm grateful that they came into this world very healthy.

As our little family grows, so does my love for this gospel. It's definitely has kept me sane through the rough times, and humble through the good times. It's always good to be able to rely on something that progresses a family to become better. 

I'm excited to see my boys grow up together. To be the best of friends, and everything in between. 

A pregnant lady's rant...

What do I need to do to go into labor faster?!?!

Well, after doing all the wacky tricks that I have tried everyday this past week...some tricks made me run to the bathroom more than it actually help me go into labor, I have finally come down to a solution...

To go into labor faster, I need patience[insert disgusted face here] 

AINT NO PREGNANT MOMMA GOT THE TIME FO'DAT! Hahaha.

As the last 2 weeks unwind, and as I anxiously await for my second child to be here- time seems to be going by super slow...and when I mean slow, I mean I have no contractions what so-ever, NOTHING. 

I think I'm more excited of seeing my son have a sibling, because I know how it feels like to have sibs of my own. They are your very first best friends and worst enemies all at once! I happen to be all my sibs worst enemy....hmm.

As bittersweet as it is to have Fa'amoana not be the only child anymore, I am excited to see him play a new roll, which is being an older brother...As spoiled as he is, I figured it's going to take a couple months, years......maybe centuries, but I know he will...well, eventually be the bestest older sibling to his brother! 

I'm excited for 2014 to start off with a bang........of patience! Hahaha, I am just too excited for what this year has in store for my little family of four! 

Happy new year family and friends! 

And all those little things...

It's been a huge blessing being able to watch my son grow. He's so observant, so energetic, and so loud! Lol. He keeps me on my toes. Over the last few months, he is starting to know who is who, and who will give him what he wants, and who won't! When we are getting ready to leave, he knows it, and will stand by the door just to make sure we don't leave him. He knows how to say "mam" and "ded" and loves getting into trouble! 

I look back on the first couple months of when he was born and just remember those moments when I thought I'd give in...I would say I did go through some-what the 'baby blues.' I always overwhelmed myself with thoughts of how am I going to do this? Over time, my son has taught me so much, and has given me this strength that only he can give me to be a better mother.

I go through nights just laying with him on my bed, trying to remember how life was like before him, and honestly, I can't ever remember being as happy as I am now that he has came into my life. Sometimes I feel like even my love for him isn't enough, I literally want to grab this entire world just to prove it to him!

...and then I get those early morning kisses with slobber all over my face as if he were a dog, and him running to me after I've been away from him only for a few hours, and those moments where all he wants to do is cuddle with me...and that just puts me into realization, that all the love and care I give to him is enough and worth it all. 

No one has ever made me as happy as he has and continues to do...no one has given me motivation like he does, and foremost, no one can make me smile like he can. The innocence of one child goes such a long way to a mother. This year, I am grateful to be blessed with a healthy son, and also have the blessing to be carrying another healthy little boy who will be here in January! My life may not seem all that great, or may even bore you! Lol, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything, because being a mom is the greatest title to hold in this world, and a great person to be. 

Busy Bee

Since getting back to school has been keeping my whole day busy, I'm honestly glad I can go to bed knowing I've accomplished something. Papers after papers that need to be filled out, finding the academic advisors and planning for this week to talk to them. As much work as it is, I enjoy it. Now I just have my fingers crossed that I will be able to officially get back in school without having to pay all my millions of fines! Eeeeekkk!

Paper work for school, also means paper work for my second pregnancy. So I'll take some time to do my school papers, and then I'll switch to doing my pregnancy papers. Went to the baby your baby clinic and found out a rough estimate of how far along I just might be. We're making a guess of 17 weeks, and it does feel about right. I have just gotten over my 'morning sickness' stage a couple weeks back, so now well have to wait until our first ultra sound to be sure.

With all that's coming and expecting, I seriously don't feel overwhelmed at all. I'm not trying to be a super mom when I say that, I just feel like I'm ready for a new challenge. I know moms who work, go to school, and are full time mothers. Heck, my mom is that mother who can juggle so much all at once. I use to think it was talent, and that only certain moms can do that, but honestly it's just all in the mind. One thing that has helped me realized how to accomplish so much in a day is "TIME MANAGEMENT." It's funny because I remember learning that in college, and how my teachers stressed it so much to use our time wisely. Being a student at the time, procrastination was the only word that was in my vocabulary. Being a mother, I can understand that now time is everything. Especially for children at this young age. My son has to wake up at a certain time, eat a certain time, sleep, etc. I see how healthy it is to manage my time and his, because I feel like I get everything done, giving me extra time to do things I can catch up on, like blogging!

I'm glad that I have found motivation in me to get up, get out, and do something great!

"Try a Little Harder to be a Little Better"

Those days you just wake up and wonder where is your life taking you...I've been having those lately. I love being a stay at home mom, but I think I have gotten too comfortable with the words "stay-at-home" that I literally stay at home. No set time to wake up, no set curfew on when to sleep, no stress, absolutely nothing changes. Just surprises me that I am like that now comparing myself to a year ago, where I seriously felt like I had ants in my pants and needed to be anywhere BUT home. As much as I enjoy it, especially because I am pregnant, I just feel....Well, LAZY. My parents love and adore my son.. They love to babysit him, spoil him, and just flat out do anything for him. I admit, I do have it easy living under my parents roof. They baby me just as much as they baby him. I have gotten so comfortable at where I am at right now, and I guess it is because living on my own the first months of my marriage it was straight up living the struggle. From living from paycheck to paycheck, to eating saimini on most nights. Just remembering the times when Mc. Donald's felt like a 5 star restaurant, and a bonus with the free wi-fi.  At that time it was only me and my husband, and we could barely manage.

Now that our situation is a little more stable, and I am also in that part of my life where I am not trying to live in the fast lane, it's time to take opportunities. These feelings of "what do I do now?" Or "What am I going to do today?" motivated me to get back into the groove and take advantage of my living situation. My culture is based around two things. Everything you do you do for 1- God and 2- Family. My job as a mother is to be the exampler. Not only to teach my kids to " Do as I say," but also "Do as I do." I plan on doing that spiritually, and educationally. Basically showing no matter how many wrongs you make in life, you can always make it right.

I can attest to the statement of "Life is our greatest teacher," as I had a fair share in my young life. It has taught me to take risk, and also has taught me what happens when you don't listen to your parents the first twenty times they told you not to do something. It has made me wiser, and has taught me that imperfections can be perfected. It has brought me to this point, where I have a family of my own, and am willing to sacrifice my time and energy to better their future. I have come long ways, but still have long ways to go. I have many things to accomplish, and many things to improve on, and that I do firmly understand. I just barely took a bite out of my 20's, I still have a lot of time to get my family on track.

Truly the only things that get in my way is falling back into laziness...Sad, it's not even my little growing family, it's just my personal problem...wahh! Lol. But waking up to my sons laugh every morning, and my husband working over time every night has brought me back into perspective on what my job is, and what I need to do to be just a little bit better. I have registered for school, and still have a couple bumps I need to smooth out, but hopefully will be handled just in time for fall semester. I have gained back my passion for becoming a teacher, and I thank being a primary teacher for that. As much as I dread preparing my lesson, it always feels satisfying teaching a class of 4 to 5 kids every Sunday. Just knowing that they know a little bit more has hinted to me to keep pushing for what I want.

 "IF YOU WANT TO BE SOMEBODY, IF YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE, YOU BETTER WAKKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION."

 

 I know what I'm lacking in life, but I also know what I need to do to get me back on the boat to stay afloat. Simply going out and giving it all I got. God has gave me tons of opportunities, some of which I have been lucky enough to get back. Doesn't happen often, but with this second time coming around, I truly wouldn't miss it for the world.

UPDATE!

To start off my blog, I have good news. I AM EXPECTING AGAIN! Hip, hip, HOOORAY! yada-yada..That is that- Bad news, i'm gonna be pregnant all summer! After being pregnant with my first all summer, I told myself never to do that again, but YA KNOW...Things happen, a full moon occurs, and there you have it- BOOM, another branch growing on the Peni family tree. I can't complain though, I've always wanted a big family...although going through the 9 months process once again is making me rethink my thinking! LOL! But my husband is more excited than me. He wants a big family, and I would be all for it if they were coming out of him!!!!! Lol, okay there's my venting for the day! Anyway, come what may, and love it!

My little Fa'amoana boy is the big EIGHT....months! In a mothers eyes, that's like he's already eight years old! Time has definitely flew, and he's a crawler. He loves getting into things, eating everything off the floor, and especially getting on my last nerve. He is already a pro at fake crying, and knows how to get EXACTLY what he wants from everyone. They don't cal him a spoiled brat for nothing! He loves being around my husband. I get jealous....All the time, but I figured as soon as he hits his toddler stage he'll come running to me more than his fathaaa! Lol. He literally is the one who keeps me on my toes. Thankful that he's able to keep me busy instead of focusing on my morning sickness all day.

My sister is out serving in Paige Arizona right now, and she loves being on the mission field. Reading her letters, I can tell she has totally changed. She sounds mature, and is fulling in love with the work of the lord. Of course I go by days missing her...But I know what she's out doing is where she is suppose to be, and my heart is peacefully knowing that. She is in LOVE with the Native Americans out there, and has seriously convinced herself that she was suppose to be born a Native! Lol. Her letters are what keep me in tuned with the lord, I feel like she's not only strengthening peoples testimonies out there, but also here, right at home.

My older brother is getting married in July, and I am far beyond EXCITED! Not so much about him, but just being able to gain another SISTER!! Myca is truly a blessing to this family, and I am thankful for her decision on her wanting my brother to take her into the house of the lord. I am proud of my brother, and his decision on choosing a virtueous young women to be sealed for all time and eternity! With all that he has been through, he truly deserves this, and every great thing in store for their future! July come fast!!

And the last but not least person I want to bring up, of course, is my very own eternal comapnion. He, like always, is still very quiet, and humble. He's a very hard worker, and has put so much effort into keeping our little family afloat. He's been nothing but a great father to our son, and I am thankful for all he does, and continues to do for us. It's always a kiss, and a "thank you" every time he gets in from work, but thewre is truly nothing in this world that could possibly show how grateful I am to have a firm presithood holder stay true to his covenants, and his word. I am one lucky girl, and I will continue to write that until my dying days!

That's pretty much an update on everyone, and everything that's been happening in my little circle. Have a great day bloggers! Xo.